Stress response

Yesterday morning we had a lecturer from Hammersmith hospital, about stress response thingy in animals and how it affects their physiology.Interestingly, there are different types of stress in which am not gonna talk abt it in here since its long winded. One thing i remembered was that he said us, as final year students are more likely to be in this type of constant stress, but not over the threshold. Also that our body can cope with stress just fine as long as after each period of stress, it has to find a way to go back to the relaxed, happy state for a bit..before it can survive yet another period of stress.
Me : 'thank goodness for horses' (Loki in particular)
One of my classmate : 'oh no... how can i stop stressing, i am stressed all day.'
Me : *grinning*

anyway, point is...thank God i have horses :)
another note, I've finally decided I will do my masters. Yay. One decision made. Whereabouts are still not sure, but I'm going to apply to a few universities and probably go and visit the unis. Anyone for Potters Bar or Silwood park?

Roller-skaters :)

Roller-skating disco was FUN!!

Irma managed to convince me to dressed up in 80-90's legging/brightly coloured tops/leg-warmers (initally I was planning to throw on my usual outfit of jeans and tshirts, for the sake of convenience since I've never rollerskated before..so I was all prepared to take a lot of trip and falls). So here we go, 6 girls in a complete 80's outfit..off we walked to the roller-skate disco which situated nicely only 3 min walk from our apartment.

1st impression : so eighties!!

music : oldies pop (my absolute fav.. yep, me love old school type music)

sooo... after 10-15 min fumbling around wt the skates.. we all managed to skate more or less pretty ok. Sasha was there which was good since she used to be a pro ice-skater back in Malaysia (really cool).

but it was so so fun! i liked it!!! will def. drag more ppl to go there next time.. the addition thats its just across our place is even better :)

Toasties

Seharian drumah.. hmm produktif juga siy, tadi siang ngerjain essay lab reports gw..tdur siang, trus malemnya bangun dan research ttg buat apply masters courses. Dapet toastie lagi buat makan malem dari kote, hehe..lengkap d stay drumah gw sharian ini. Bingung oh bingung...
mau apply ke yang mana yah taun depan??
yang gw suka course nya..jauh banget kampusnya..
yang coursenya yaa okelah, baru deh kampusnya di deket2 sini..
abisnya..
ga mau ninggalin london tercinta ini hehe.. dan flatmates gw tersayang juga :) haha

Suka

Tadi temen gw ada yang nanya, cape ga sih suka ama seseorang yang ga bisa ngebales perasaan kita ? ..

gw jadi mikir, itu cerita gw banget..

dari dulu ampe skarang.. kadang gw mikir kok gw ga cape2 yah suka ama orang yang salah mulu, di timing yang paling salah pula

tapi.. gw mikir lagi, ga kok rasa suka ke seseorang itu, ga bikin cape. sucks memang apalagi kalo orang yg loe suka itu uda punya ce/co lain. tapi..menyukai seseorang itu ga bikin cape. not at all, aneh ya?

ahh mungkin gw memang terlalu suka ber-day dream

Self-esteem gw lagi bagus nih akhir2 ini. senang. Tadi gw baru abis baca2 blog entry gw dari taun lalu..beda yah, kynya yg skrg2 ini gw lebih sering nulis ttg apa yg gw rasain..compare dgn dulu dimana gw nulis apa yg gw lakuin sehari-hari. Merasa content deh saya akhir2 ini. which is bagus bgt :) jadi makin seneng deh gw dengan diri gw yang skarang ini. I like myself more now hehe.. sepertinya dalam setaun ini gw merasa banyak berubah. well, mentally of course. kalo di sum up ya gw uda ngrasain yang namanya bersenang-senang di awan (biarpun belum tinggi bgt di awannya..untungnya) trus langsung jatuh ke basement terbawah. yang ya iyalah sucks tingkat tinggi sekaliii tapi jadi bikin gw beda aja.. itu ngerubah diri gw in a way yang gw juga ga tau dan ga bisa describe seperti apa. tapi its towards the good ones. Nah itu kan baru satu..yang satu lagi, gw uda ngerasain juga gimana rasanya kalo, umm..rada susah memberi metafora utk yang satu ini. hm..kaya misalnya ada orang mau ngasi loe es krim cokelat, nah es krim itu ditaro di depan mata loe..tapi tiap mau loe ambil, eh makin jauh dan makin jauhh aja. Nah nyebelin juga kan tuh, tapi yang ini juga uda somehow ngerubah gw deh..dan untuk yang ini, gw bisa bilang kalo gw emang uda done dengan dia. Gw nyadar kemaren, pas dimana gw bisa dengan cueknya ngobrol ama dia..trus dengan ga tau dirinya minta pinjem jkt dia krn dingin anginnya(ini mengingat gw uda ga ngomong ama dia sejak uhmm.. 4-5 bulan kalo ga salah. tips : ga ketemu orang yang loe pengen hapusin dari pikiran loe, cara termanjur!)

ya gitu deh sekedar apa yg gw rasain skrg.. rada random memang, maap buat yang ga ngerti maksud dan tujuan dari post gw ini heheh

A place that I can always call home

Tadi gw baru baca blog temen berkuda gw, mia & nadia..dan dsitu mereka mention Fesol. Jadi keinget, masi ga percaya gw rasanya kl Fesol uda pergi duluan ninggalin kita semua. tp gw jg yakin kok sol, u'll still be watching us from above there rite :) Anyway, gw cuma mendadak jadi kangen aja ama temen2 berkuda di indo.. Its with you guys that i grew up. Banyak deh ga bisa gw sebutin satu2 loe smua, tapi dipikir2 bener juga.. bbrp waktu lalu gw lagi crita2 ama artati, n kita ngomongin tempat yg we can truly call home. Sampe skarang (ditambah dgn gw skolah di london skrg..) beneran loh jadi bingung sebenernya gw ngrasa kya punya 2 rumah di 2 dunia yg berbeda gitu, London & Jakarta. Jangankan 2 rumah, diri gw sendiri aja slightly beda kok disini dan di indo. Tapi ada satu tempat yg selalu bisa gw rasa kaya pulang kerumah sendiri, satu tempat di jakarta.. Trijaya :) biarpun hampir semua, malah uda semua kali yah..temen2 berkuda seangkatan gw termasuk pelatih, groom n kuda2 kita semua uda ga di trijaya lagi..but still thats the one place where i've been to for almost every day of the week for 6-7 years. Tiap balik indo pasti gw suka main kesana lagi, liat2 kuda2 skolah yg dulu suka gw naikin..Kencana (kuda pertama yg gw pake tanding, dulu aja dia uda 15-17 taun..he must be like 25-28 yrs old now). trus groom2 yg masi ada, dan yah bernostalgia aja gitu. dan diitung2, gw uda naik kuda skitar 13 taun skarang, uda lebih dari 1/2 hidup gw yah..hehe (kan gw skrg umur 21). Nostalgic banget kalo inget2 jaman dulu tiap hari minggu pagi jam 8, group lesson ama om james bareng tasha putri sammy alyssa.. ah those sweet old times :) kangen.

Tooth-fairy

One word : dental treatment here are much better compared to the ones back home :) It didnt hurt at all!!
and just now whilst I was walking back from the dentist to library, I had a sudden vision of myself living in Fulham road, working and actually living here sometime in the future.
Nice, cool weather makes me loves London more.

This time of the year

Actually to think of it, this year I had much more free time on my timetable compared to last year's. Animal behaviour module is also the one module i've been waiting for impatiently ever since I was a fresher. Studywise, not much problem. I guess we really REALLY need to get our interenet connection up and runnning asap at our new flat, otherwise, I can't do my work at home. Starting to get quite fed up having to stay in college searching for journals and saving them to read later at home whilst I actually can just go home and do it IF only BT will get our phone line sorted!
And these days, with all these companies presentations to attend..it makes me feel like its A-level all over again, all the shiny prospectuses of universities were equal to the shiny booklet from each company, being given to us..soon-to-be graduates who are currently at a very confused state in what to do after they graduate. At least I'm not the only one.

Undescribed

Good signs that happier days are more and gloomy days are less recently. Sometimes problems from people around you affect your mood. Also living here, back in London, means it is back to my normal routine where all my activity is well..centered on me really. We're all nicely sorted in our new flat now. St.George Wharf. Damn nice view.. I had resumed my usual jogging routine along the river, with occasional stops to London eye when I feels like it, but most of the times I like this small tiny park near the Albert embankment. I like to organise my thoughts when running, but I can't switch off like when I'm riding. Riding is the best because I always automatically switch off all other thoughts when riding :) oh for the note, Loki is getting FAT. I mean really, but he's still Loki. He nipped me when he saw me again for the first time, that's his way of saying hi. Went on a shopping spree in Frogpool Manor today wt Hazwan (thanks LOTS for driving me there and waiting te!), I've been thinking to go there since last year as I needed to renew most of my riding kits (e.g : my poor GPA helmet which I bought in 2001 and been through some really hard falls since then). My best item today : new long tall black leather boots :) ! yays! I used to had one pair of them made-to-order-but-didnt-fit, left them back home as cant be bothered to lug them all the way here. And i got new bridle for dear Zinnie! hope she can fit to it nicely :) its brown and smelt like fresh new leather. Now I really want to go back home and ride my horses.....if only someone can ship them all here maybe? yeah i wish lol.

Kangen..

Aneh ya, gw kok bisa sih kangen sama orang yang bahkan gw contact tiap hari aja ga.

Tapi bener deh, kangen amat sangat!! kalo mau tidur, yg gw bayang2in dia.. kalo lagi bengong, dia lagi. lagi masak, dia juga. lagi denger lagu, dia lagi dan lagi.. astagaa, dulu ga separah ini lho.

Kalo gw pikir dengan menyeluruh..sebenernya gw ga bisa pinpoint exactly apa sih yang bisa bikin gw ga bisa ngehapusin orang yang satu ini dari pikiran gw. Bener ga bisa. ga nemu tepatnya.

Jeleknya dia..gw tau smua. Baiknya, gw juga tau. Dongo2nya..itu apalagi, tau dgn super baik dah gw. Tapi kok bisa yah ampe skarang pun dia masi adaaa aja di pikiran gw ? ada yang bisa ngasi jawaban mungkin ?

bener deh kata Jack Johnson di lagunya, he's a fortunate fool. bener bangett..

dan satu lagu lagi (juga dari si pak Johnson), better together (kalo ini sih yang gw mau yah haha).

As everyone's life around me seems to be in so much drama these past weeks, my life in comparison feels pretty calm and ordered. I guess we sort of in the pause mode after all the drama last week. Actually after I think about it, its not a drama..its just something we should have done all those years back. What lydia said was correct, after I said all I wanted to say to him...it made me really accept the reality. The reality as for the current moment, sucks for me. but as I said before as well, I am a different person here and there. When I am here, you and those world we once shared..really do feels far away, distant. When I am back there, suddenly we both always fell back to that path where we always been since that time. We always do. Cant wait for December really. I'm not having my head up in the clouds anymore, cos I know daydreaming sucks when the harshness of reality is being put straight out in front of your face. For now, I'm contended :) I decided to stop looking for the answers, cos I knew when the time is right, then it will present itself.

The Prophet

Akhirnya gw bisa cukup lega dan actually bangga dgn diri gw sendiri. Kalo dipikir2, sebenernya its not that big a deal..tapi yang gw lakuin kmaren itu its so out of nowhere. Thanks banget buat my lovely girls yang uda slalu ngedukung gw, sampe bahkan Dian nemenin gw baca email nya juga :) Skarang gw uda ga akan self denial lagi, karena dengan itu bahkan akan makin susah buat gw bisa bener2 move on dari perasaan gw. Slama feeling itu masi ada, then let it be..gw ga akan try untuk menghilangkannya. Tadi gw buka2 n baca2 buku The Prophet-nya Kahlil Gibran, ada sepenggal kalimat yang gw suka : "in the end, love will choose you if you are worth to be chosen for" kira2 kaya gitu..bagus kan? nah gw skarang sih jujur masi blom mau give up, gw masi punya harapan untuk dimasa depan. Tapi untuk skarang ini, gw cukup bisa nerima how things are untuk now. Cukup senang dengan diri saya yang sepertinya uda berubah skarang..hehe thanks my dear sisters yg jauh di sana!

Part of me ngrasa sedih krn sepertinya ini adalah akhir dari segalanya. Part of me ngrasa bangga krn gw aja ga tau gw punya keberanian itu. Akhir kata, sama sperti yang smua orang slalu bilang ke gw, let time tell. Iya kan?

Day one back in London

I'm back in London

I wish I can stay in Indo longer. Things are different, here and there. I am a different person, here and there too. I think I might have done the most stupidest thing ever on my last day back home, but its the thing that has been bugging my mind a lot. I didnt regret saying it. and I have reasons to say it too. Its just, I wish sometimes I can just do things without thinking too much about how others will react. I wish things were different. and the one thing I wish more than ever is if only I can turn back time. Ironically, I know if we stay together, then I wouldnt realise how much I actually cared for him. The period of absence makes me realise that no one can replace you. I tried to, believe me. I wanted to find your replacement, so bad, but nothing works. Everything I tried failed. In the end, my heart always turns back to you. hmmh.

This is frustrating! if only I'm back home for good then I know exactly what to do. Its only since now I no longer believe that long distance relationship will work, so I can do nothing. You too. You also no longer believe in it. so, final point : we're both stuck in a position where we can do nothing at all. How crappy is that.

Tok tok..

Apa yang bakal loe lakuin kalo seseorang yang loe cukup care itu ternyata bisa sangat bodoh kadang2x ? ada deh seseorang yang penting buat gw, tetapi dia itu terkadang amat sangat bodoh..dan seringkali memungkiri hal itu. Pusing juga, ya ga sih? abisnya mau bikin dia sadar juga ga segampang itu. Ditambah lagi, secara orang itu dan gw hidup di dua negara yang berbeda pula. Yah semakin ga ada harapan aja gimana cara gw membuat dia sadar ya.. sebenernya dia mungkin uda tau jawabannya, tapi avoid untuk mengakui mungkin? ato sama seperti gw, yang dulu dimana gw orang yang sering self denial.. tapi sekarang ini gw uda ngerasa cukup berubah. secara sekarang gw selalu berusaha buat jujur ama diri gw sendiri.. abisnya kalo ngebohongin diri sendiri, cape lama2. dan itu juga ga perna nyelesaiin masalah kok.

Fantasi yang menjerumuskan!

Kayanya sindrom gw yang sekarang ini adalah menulis blog kalo gw lagi bete deh. Argh ya siapa coba yg ga sebel. loe perna ga siy ngerasain berada di langit ketujuh terawang2 diatas sana dengan angin semilir menerpa, eh mendadak terhempas jatuhhhh ampe ke basement parkiran pim 2 yang ampe sebawah B3! sangat amat ga bangettt. sebel! sumpah sebel abis. dan secara gw juga ga bisa menuliskan detail knapa gw merasa shitty seperti sekarang inii..berhubung cukup banyak orang yang tau dan ngebaca blog ini. jadi yah seperti skarang deh gw hanya bisa berkeluh kesah anonymously seperti ini. Intinya, gw bingung deh dengan diri gw sendiri.. gw serinngg banget jadi terlalu mudah seneng karena hal2 kecil, dan mulai berfantasi sendiri tanpa memperdulikan realitas yang ada. Trus buntut2nya setelah realita itu ditaroh gede2 di depan mata gw.. gw akan ngerasa omg kenapa gw bisa sebodoh itu dan bahkan sampe berani ngebayangin hal yang uda super jelas ga akan kejadian dalam waktu dekat ini, dan mungkin juga will never happen selamanya. blahblah.

Bluetooth ???

Muahaha.. i just came back from a fun night out with my girls. :) i realised no one had changed too much in the past 5 years we had known each other. We still can make people stared at us cos we laughed and talked too loud, and of course took too many pics. One annoying thing : I cant seem to make the bluetooth device in this computer to work! so i cant upload my pic cos the my laptop had been reformatted (one -t?) and i didnt bring the CD needed to install the programme needed to upload pics from my mobile :(

I really really doesnt want to go back London just yet.. .. ..

Me and Irma postponed our flight until 13 Sept.. the latest we can get :(

Some rants and more

Blah..after lots of talks here and there, I havent come up yet with even a satisfactory decision. I think all of you whom i've been bugging with the same repeated story this past week surely knows what i'm ranting about. Anyway, despite that thing.. horsy life been wonderful. Zinnie's training been going on smoothly so far, and she sure is a fast learner. Brave. Polite. Honest. So far she shows really favourable characters to be a good jumper like her mum, Kim.

I've been dividing my time between Bandung and Jakarta. To train for the upcoming Sentul competition and to spend my time socialising in Jakarta. I even dragged Tephi and Lydia to keep me company in Bandung for a few days.. Met Lyd's friends as well there, in which I must say a pretty interesting experience. Imagine, 2 girls (us) plus 10 guys (we only knew 1 of them) err.. ..

These days I feel like running out of time. If only I am back here for good, then I will surely know how to deal with this. Its only because I might not be back for at least another 2 years, which make me confused in what to do next. Shall I act now or wait until I am back here for good? advices so far from lots of people : wait. me thinking for myself : act now. huh. I realise i'm always been a good daydreamer, but in making decisions..dont ask. i can be so bad at it. There's another thing, in which what Lyd told me.. is that I am currently in a very confused state in what to do with my life in general. I am actually thankful that I still have one more year before I finish this degree, since currently I am at a total lost in what to do after I graduate. Lyd said that deep down I already know the answer, she also told me to follow my feeling. but even now I am doubting my own instict.

The answer

Not being together made us learn a lot about ourselves. I learnt a hell lot more these past two years about myself, my feelings, my strength and weaknesses. Now I got the one answer that I have been searching for ever since. I trust you and I will be right here :)

TC

I realise I am still as horse-crazy as the little girl 14 years ago. I just came back from four days of training like crazy in Bandung Equestrian Centre, where I kept all my horses now. My days were filled with horses and horses and more horses. It reminds me of the old times in training centre with my old teammates back then when I still competed actively. My last couple of days were like this : Waking up at 7.30, prepared the horses and rode for about 4 straight hours..from 8-12 noon. I ride 4 horses each morning..then went back to eat and sleep a bit. Rode again from 15.30-18.00, usually 2 horses in the afternoon. I cant feel my legs and my whole body ache after just four days, but I feel so damn high after each exercise. The physical exercise were even more tiring, yesterday we had to gallop each horse 4.5km twice in both direction..I rode three horses. Its so tiring but I admit it work wonders, Chief's breathing capability is much better now compared to last year. I rode Zinnie, the baby, only 3 1/2 yrs old but she's so matured and calm..she's cute though since she got no clue how to canter just yet. Still, no matter how tiring it is, but i can never get enough of horses and of riding. The split-second exhilirating feeling when we jumped a high fence.. I will never ever get sick of it.I admit, riding is in my blood and will always do. I envy others whose life revolves around horses 24/7, but I guess I'm a pretty lucky girl as of the current moment as well. I wish I can stay there forever and ride twice a day all the time.. I'm coming back there next week though, since I have to train with Chief to compete in the upcoming Sentul competition. yays! at least next week will have the friends to keep me more company there, and maybe even more.

A night out in Jakarta

I'm sick ! :( sore throat..

My immune system must have been really down.. i got sick after only one night out clubbing. huh. anyway centro was not too bad that night, i very rarely go and club here in Jakarta. I prefer london clubs :) but here is not too bad too, esp with great company ! hehe. And the even better thing we stayed at Yaya's apartment afterwards, so no need to go home :) and we can even see the sunrise becos clubs here close damn late until 4.30 ish. The only bad thing, at least one had to stay sober to drive because sadly taxis and buses here are kind of hopeless.

Ah about the closure thing I mentioned in my last post, I take it back. I'll (try) to fight for it in the long run.. in the meantime, i feel great. I feel unbeatable.