As everyone's life around me seems to be in so much drama these past weeks, my life in comparison feels pretty calm and ordered. I guess we sort of in the pause mode after all the drama last week. Actually after I think about it, its not a drama..its just something we should have done all those years back. What lydia said was correct, after I said all I wanted to say to him...it made me really accept the reality. The reality as for the current moment, sucks for me. but as I said before as well, I am a different person here and there. When I am here, you and those world we once shared..really do feels far away, distant. When I am back there, suddenly we both always fell back to that path where we always been since that time. We always do. Cant wait for December really. I'm not having my head up in the clouds anymore, cos I know daydreaming sucks when the harshness of reality is being put straight out in front of your face. For now, I'm contended :) I decided to stop looking for the answers, cos I knew when the time is right, then it will present itself.

The Prophet

Akhirnya gw bisa cukup lega dan actually bangga dgn diri gw sendiri. Kalo dipikir2, sebenernya its not that big a deal..tapi yang gw lakuin kmaren itu its so out of nowhere. Thanks banget buat my lovely girls yang uda slalu ngedukung gw, sampe bahkan Dian nemenin gw baca email nya juga :) Skarang gw uda ga akan self denial lagi, karena dengan itu bahkan akan makin susah buat gw bisa bener2 move on dari perasaan gw. Slama feeling itu masi ada, then let it be..gw ga akan try untuk menghilangkannya. Tadi gw buka2 n baca2 buku The Prophet-nya Kahlil Gibran, ada sepenggal kalimat yang gw suka : "in the end, love will choose you if you are worth to be chosen for" kira2 kaya gitu..bagus kan? nah gw skarang sih jujur masi blom mau give up, gw masi punya harapan untuk dimasa depan. Tapi untuk skarang ini, gw cukup bisa nerima how things are untuk now. Cukup senang dengan diri saya yang sepertinya uda berubah skarang..hehe thanks my dear sisters yg jauh di sana!

Part of me ngrasa sedih krn sepertinya ini adalah akhir dari segalanya. Part of me ngrasa bangga krn gw aja ga tau gw punya keberanian itu. Akhir kata, sama sperti yang smua orang slalu bilang ke gw, let time tell. Iya kan?

Day one back in London

I'm back in London

I wish I can stay in Indo longer. Things are different, here and there. I am a different person, here and there too. I think I might have done the most stupidest thing ever on my last day back home, but its the thing that has been bugging my mind a lot. I didnt regret saying it. and I have reasons to say it too. Its just, I wish sometimes I can just do things without thinking too much about how others will react. I wish things were different. and the one thing I wish more than ever is if only I can turn back time. Ironically, I know if we stay together, then I wouldnt realise how much I actually cared for him. The period of absence makes me realise that no one can replace you. I tried to, believe me. I wanted to find your replacement, so bad, but nothing works. Everything I tried failed. In the end, my heart always turns back to you. hmmh.

This is frustrating! if only I'm back home for good then I know exactly what to do. Its only since now I no longer believe that long distance relationship will work, so I can do nothing. You too. You also no longer believe in it. so, final point : we're both stuck in a position where we can do nothing at all. How crappy is that.

Tok tok..

Apa yang bakal loe lakuin kalo seseorang yang loe cukup care itu ternyata bisa sangat bodoh kadang2x ? ada deh seseorang yang penting buat gw, tetapi dia itu terkadang amat sangat bodoh..dan seringkali memungkiri hal itu. Pusing juga, ya ga sih? abisnya mau bikin dia sadar juga ga segampang itu. Ditambah lagi, secara orang itu dan gw hidup di dua negara yang berbeda pula. Yah semakin ga ada harapan aja gimana cara gw membuat dia sadar ya.. sebenernya dia mungkin uda tau jawabannya, tapi avoid untuk mengakui mungkin? ato sama seperti gw, yang dulu dimana gw orang yang sering self denial.. tapi sekarang ini gw uda ngerasa cukup berubah. secara sekarang gw selalu berusaha buat jujur ama diri gw sendiri.. abisnya kalo ngebohongin diri sendiri, cape lama2. dan itu juga ga perna nyelesaiin masalah kok.

Fantasi yang menjerumuskan!

Kayanya sindrom gw yang sekarang ini adalah menulis blog kalo gw lagi bete deh. Argh ya siapa coba yg ga sebel. loe perna ga siy ngerasain berada di langit ketujuh terawang2 diatas sana dengan angin semilir menerpa, eh mendadak terhempas jatuhhhh ampe ke basement parkiran pim 2 yang ampe sebawah B3! sangat amat ga bangettt. sebel! sumpah sebel abis. dan secara gw juga ga bisa menuliskan detail knapa gw merasa shitty seperti sekarang inii..berhubung cukup banyak orang yang tau dan ngebaca blog ini. jadi yah seperti skarang deh gw hanya bisa berkeluh kesah anonymously seperti ini. Intinya, gw bingung deh dengan diri gw sendiri.. gw serinngg banget jadi terlalu mudah seneng karena hal2 kecil, dan mulai berfantasi sendiri tanpa memperdulikan realitas yang ada. Trus buntut2nya setelah realita itu ditaroh gede2 di depan mata gw.. gw akan ngerasa omg kenapa gw bisa sebodoh itu dan bahkan sampe berani ngebayangin hal yang uda super jelas ga akan kejadian dalam waktu dekat ini, dan mungkin juga will never happen selamanya. blahblah.

Bluetooth ???

Muahaha.. i just came back from a fun night out with my girls. :) i realised no one had changed too much in the past 5 years we had known each other. We still can make people stared at us cos we laughed and talked too loud, and of course took too many pics. One annoying thing : I cant seem to make the bluetooth device in this computer to work! so i cant upload my pic cos the my laptop had been reformatted (one -t?) and i didnt bring the CD needed to install the programme needed to upload pics from my mobile :(

I really really doesnt want to go back London just yet.. .. ..

Me and Irma postponed our flight until 13 Sept.. the latest we can get :(

Some rants and more

Blah..after lots of talks here and there, I havent come up yet with even a satisfactory decision. I think all of you whom i've been bugging with the same repeated story this past week surely knows what i'm ranting about. Anyway, despite that thing.. horsy life been wonderful. Zinnie's training been going on smoothly so far, and she sure is a fast learner. Brave. Polite. Honest. So far she shows really favourable characters to be a good jumper like her mum, Kim.

I've been dividing my time between Bandung and Jakarta. To train for the upcoming Sentul competition and to spend my time socialising in Jakarta. I even dragged Tephi and Lydia to keep me company in Bandung for a few days.. Met Lyd's friends as well there, in which I must say a pretty interesting experience. Imagine, 2 girls (us) plus 10 guys (we only knew 1 of them) err.. ..

These days I feel like running out of time. If only I am back here for good, then I will surely know how to deal with this. Its only because I might not be back for at least another 2 years, which make me confused in what to do next. Shall I act now or wait until I am back here for good? advices so far from lots of people : wait. me thinking for myself : act now. huh. I realise i'm always been a good daydreamer, but in making decisions..dont ask. i can be so bad at it. There's another thing, in which what Lyd told me.. is that I am currently in a very confused state in what to do with my life in general. I am actually thankful that I still have one more year before I finish this degree, since currently I am at a total lost in what to do after I graduate. Lyd said that deep down I already know the answer, she also told me to follow my feeling. but even now I am doubting my own instict.