The answer

Not being together made us learn a lot about ourselves. I learnt a hell lot more these past two years about myself, my feelings, my strength and weaknesses. Now I got the one answer that I have been searching for ever since. I trust you and I will be right here :)

TC

I realise I am still as horse-crazy as the little girl 14 years ago. I just came back from four days of training like crazy in Bandung Equestrian Centre, where I kept all my horses now. My days were filled with horses and horses and more horses. It reminds me of the old times in training centre with my old teammates back then when I still competed actively. My last couple of days were like this : Waking up at 7.30, prepared the horses and rode for about 4 straight hours..from 8-12 noon. I ride 4 horses each morning..then went back to eat and sleep a bit. Rode again from 15.30-18.00, usually 2 horses in the afternoon. I cant feel my legs and my whole body ache after just four days, but I feel so damn high after each exercise. The physical exercise were even more tiring, yesterday we had to gallop each horse 4.5km twice in both direction..I rode three horses. Its so tiring but I admit it work wonders, Chief's breathing capability is much better now compared to last year. I rode Zinnie, the baby, only 3 1/2 yrs old but she's so matured and calm..she's cute though since she got no clue how to canter just yet. Still, no matter how tiring it is, but i can never get enough of horses and of riding. The split-second exhilirating feeling when we jumped a high fence.. I will never ever get sick of it.I admit, riding is in my blood and will always do. I envy others whose life revolves around horses 24/7, but I guess I'm a pretty lucky girl as of the current moment as well. I wish I can stay there forever and ride twice a day all the time.. I'm coming back there next week though, since I have to train with Chief to compete in the upcoming Sentul competition. yays! at least next week will have the friends to keep me more company there, and maybe even more.

A night out in Jakarta

I'm sick ! :( sore throat..

My immune system must have been really down.. i got sick after only one night out clubbing. huh. anyway centro was not too bad that night, i very rarely go and club here in Jakarta. I prefer london clubs :) but here is not too bad too, esp with great company ! hehe. And the even better thing we stayed at Yaya's apartment afterwards, so no need to go home :) and we can even see the sunrise becos clubs here close damn late until 4.30 ish. The only bad thing, at least one had to stay sober to drive because sadly taxis and buses here are kind of hopeless.

Ah about the closure thing I mentioned in my last post, I take it back. I'll (try) to fight for it in the long run.. in the meantime, i feel great. I feel unbeatable.

Blah, i guess i was being too melodramatic the past few days. Now i feel much better. The attention had stopped. Not that I want it to continue, but to be honest i do miss it a bit..a teeny-weeny bit. Yesterday I made a deal with myself to respect a certain person's decision. This is it, I can finally start to think that this is the real closure.. no more hanging in between. No more loose ends.

I really can start to see the silver lining of the whole thing, after this long.

fiuhhh...

but sometimes I still wonder why I always attract the wrong person. at the wrongest time.

My summer so far

After a long long talk in Coffee Bean.. :) Lydia, me, Tephi and Dwi. We've all been there, done that. Curly fries and fried chickens to satisfy our hunger after talking for almost three straight hours.

Bestie. Me and Dian.. Meeting up for coffee in PIM 2. you're the best always di :)

Indonesian Open 2007.. horsy girls reunion! ex-team mates..we've survived lots together. we've grown up, and some stays in horsy world, some moved on.. but this weekend we all came to meet up once again during one of the biggest competition of the year in Arthayasa.. :) Alyssa, Tasha, me and Sammy.

In Karawaci, UPH..after picking up Dian..wander around BSD and expanding my knowledge about that area in general. Luckily Dwi was with me, my sense of direction can be really hopeless at times *sigh lol

Tarq 2004 ! how i miss you guys..Went to Tarq, saw OH.. saw our juniors. Realised that its been three years since we graduated from there. Time flies, people change, friends stay :)

Some pics to sum up my days here. :)

Gloom..

Ah, what a gloomy day :(
I was driving my lovely ford escape.. it was a rainy night today. Me and Dwi were on our way back home from PIM.. we put on mellow, sad-ish songs..started to talk about why shit do happens, plus it rained..and the traffic was bad. We actually wanted to buy drinks.. but sadly we got no place to drink. ah if only this is London, I will definitely heads to one of our usual cocktail-drinking hangouts on Kings road and started drowning my sorrow (?) in tequila//vodka shots.
This sounds really depressing i know..

Sad sad life.. actually not sad life, i gues sadness or happiness really depends on how you look at things. Say, my current problems are not actually that big if say, compared to a person who for example had lost all his savings or his house fell down etc. Mine is more like me thinking too much and worrying too early for things that may not even happen. I like the feeling of being liked by someone, but i hate myself for being too nice and giving false hopes to that certain person. For the current moment, I'm felling very shitty due to the fact that I know I was being such a bad person..Firstly by letting someone go in the first place, but now thinking that i may want that person back even though it just simply not possible anymore. Secondly, for selfishly enjoying the attention from someone..and may even giving that person false hopes, just because I feel like it and he is here.
I'm in real need of a distraction right now. and why the hell is everyone asleep already??!

Home sweet home :)

Ahh i'm finally back home!!

havent got internet for the whole first week here due to my house just been renovated..finally today got the lovely internet back :) yay!

My house changed completely (of course cos it was knocked down and then built again duh*), i like my new room..got space for all my manga and books collection hehe

My dear friends are the same, how i love spending time with all of them again :) updating each other and gossiping of course. Met my horses too, spend four whole days at Indonesia Open 2007 and how i was itching to get on a horse and compete!! Went to visit my old riding school in Trijaya and SKJP too.. horsy people are the best! they stay the same too..met up with my horsy friends and my trainers too.. Kim and Chief are still fit and jumping as good as ever! Ferry and Steven did such great job riding them both and keeping them in shape. Kim got 2nd in120 cm open class and Chief got 1st in 110cm open. I realise both of them aged already now.. cant really push them too much.

Sometimes i think i'm able to change who I am, I tried once and ended up fretting and regretting it ever since. I know I was stupid before, and no matter what i do..turning back time is the one thing I really want to do but unable to sadly. If only I can go back to that day, almost two years ago now..Even though now i'm still unsure why my feelings seems to always turn back to that certain person again, but the truth is that i do regret what i did back then, a lot. I've changed a lot too, i wouldn't say for the better..but now I know to always, always be honest with myself. Not pretending. Not ignorant. Not taking anything for granted. Not lying. Ah.. regret always came a tad bit too late. but things happen for a reason, its just i realise this a bit too late. very fucking late actually.

I got no rights to do anything about it now, I tried to replace you and everytime it seems to work for awhile, then i realise that for now, i still cant. You are and always going to be that one in between, its tiring to pretend otherwise.

And this is for YOU, not you. I always got a soft spot for you, but maybe i'm cruel because i know im just happily enjoying your attention. but i know you know what i think, and you know i will be gone in a month and we will not see each other for another year at least.. so lets see where the wind blows and where we will end up :)