A tribute for you, goodbye and we'll keep you in our hearts

Ok gw masi dalam kondisi ga percaya ni..gini critanya..hari ini kan gw drumah aja (iyalah ujan2 gini dan dingin pula). hp gw silent..nah tadi jam 2an siang gitu iseng2 gw cek tu hp..nah kenapa ada missed call bejibun buanyakk bgt..dan smuanya no number pula. pasti dari indo kan. Nelpon lah gw ke bokap, heran gitu nanya ada apa knapa miss call buanyak bgt gitu loh..nah jawaban bokap gw itulah yang bikin gw masi terkaget2 ria ampe skarang. Faisol meninggal! omg omg.. gw kaget sekaget2 nya orang ga percaya gitu..i mean pas bokap bilang ada berita duka cita, yah gw kira paling sodara jauh siapa gitu, om ato tante siapa..yang gw ga kenal2 banget. ternyata..faisol aja lho. Nah saking kagetnya gw sampe speechless. fyi, faisol itu salah satu temen berkuda gw, yang gw uda kenal slama ada kali 10 taun lebih sejak gw baru blajar berkuda.. dan dengan komunitas orang2 berkuda di indo yang sangat kecil..maka kami semua orang2 berkuda..apalagi yang seumuran, jadi deket bgt satu sama lain. Jangankan gw, bokap aja sambil nelpon gw masi ga percaya gitu..dia dikabarin ama om rafiq, t laras, om irfan, rahmat dll smua deh. Trus bgitu gw nutup telpon bokap,langsung deh gw nelpon tasha ama putri. Ya ampun slama gw ngomong ama mereka berdua aja..kita tu sampe bener2 masi ga percaya..tadi aja ampe skarang gw masi nelponin smua orang2 berkuda deh, jeanne adi james.. ampe kayanya tagihan telpon gw uda ga tau deh brapa skrg. Mreka kan tadi pergi ngelayat gitu..dan smua ada dsana. adi rahmat abe rafiq dini..smua deh orang2 berkuda ada ngumpul dsana. Dan meninggalnya mendadak pula..dicurigain sih dia ada liver problem ya katanya..tapi bener mendadak bgt, tadi pagi ktnya lemes gitu trus muntah2..n dbawa k rs, meninggal dalam 1-2 jam. omg. ga percaya deh gw ga bakal ketemu faisol lagi..faisol gitu lho..gw ga kebayang adi rahmat abe dll smua sekarang sedihnya kaya apa di jakarta sana. we've all been through so much together. dulu yang kita masi pada junior di berkuda..ampe ikut pelatnas buat PON, tanding ke brunei,malaysia, hongkong dll, minum2 ngerayain kalo selese pertandingan, becanda2, latihan tiap hari, main2 dikandang kuda seharian penuh., bergosip dan smuanya..omg dan gw sebel banget kalo kaya gini, gw ada dsini, ga bisa ngelayat..ga bisa ada dsana. dan again, gw masi in denial ni..ga percaya abis. faisol gitu yang masi umur 27.. omg omg.

Link for this news : http://www.sporthorsecm.com/publish/art1509.shtml

Two days before bank holiday monday

I'm so nervous for monday which will be the day of me and Loki's first ever competition! i've competed tons of times before, competed other people's horses for them as well as my own horses. but this is the first time i've ever going to compete with a STALLION! stallions, as they all are, tends to be difficult to handle on the ground. thats why you dont see many stallions around. Loki is perfect when im ON him.. i wouldnt worry a thing, and im confident that we can do well. but, a big but.. he can be so unpredictable when being handled from the ground. and i can just imagine how a horse show on a Bank Holiday will looks like..tons of screaming kids and small hairy ponies, parents, horse trailers, etc etc. He will not spooked, but he WILL show off and pranced around especially with MARES around! oh nooo.... i really2 really hope he will behave himself. please please do.

Btw, this type of cold rainy saturday ruins my mood to do revision, because im just being super lazy. all ive been doing this past hour is snuggling under my duvet and watch devil beside you series. well, at least i managed to get myself started to do past papers..even though im still choosing the easiest questions to do, and spend at least 2 hrs for 1 question which is bad. sooo lazyy....i just dont ever wanna come out from my comfy blanket, which in addition smells so good since i just washed it and put this nice, yellow, sunny smelling softener. :)

Freedom of an allele

You know what, i really like it when i can just pick up my phone and call someone..just simply to talk or to say hi. Its great. Because sometimes you just feel like calling even though you have nothing important to say :) by the way, it seems like its going to start raining again next week. *stupid london weather, why cant it just stays sunnt. on the other hand, im quite satisfied of the progress im making myself this 2 days. I finished all the horrendous lab reports!!! with the exception of the population simulation and one more UV radiation thingy which we havent yet completed. Im truly staring at the population simulation results just now in horror, because in my brain i simply cant get the big picture of 'whats-the-point-of-this-experiment' thing which is bad. I forced myself to read the few textbooks about population and biometrics, falling asleep and yet still remain utterly confused about the theory. I mean from my point of view, seriously biometrics and population theories are just..well just theories right? because you really really have no control whatsoever in what an allele is about to be doing. It can jump here and there, free as a bird. We, humans, are just trying to feel smart by assuming we can predict whats going to happen. or maybe im just being sarcastic because i still cant understand this bloody practical. sigh*

Seneng deh kalo gw lagi produktif kaya hari ini. Tinggal di lab slama 4 jam ternyata worth it heheh abisnya kalo dirumah yang ada ga konsen gitu. Btw, sore ini gw duduk2 di balkon..minum teh sambil ngeliatin langit sore.. pink and purple streaks. cantik..damai :)

Communication
It's the first thing we learn in life
Funny thing is, once we grow up...
learn our words and really start talking
the harder it becomes to know what to say
Or how to ask for what we really need

[~got this from sandra's page. how true]

The matter of sleeping

This morning i overslept, which is a sure sign of physical and mental exhaustion for me. I know i'm in a serious need of proper rest when i actually overslept. Overslept for lectures are ok because well..it is lectures. but this morning i overslept for riding! which never happens before ever. Supposed to go 5.30 am, woke up 6.10. Literally jumped out from my bed and ran to the tube station. but its all worth it becos Loki was so damn perfect this morning! i jumped him, he sure can jump :) a superb start of the day. Nikki offered whether i want to took him to a competition this coming Monday, and i would love to if everything goes as planned *keep fingers crossed*

Anyhow, i decided to give myself a good relaxing study pattern these 2-3 days. I'm just so tired of it. So to refresh my brain, i revise much less and took short naps often. Not too bad i guess. but the horrible endless lab reports are still there.. omg omg. hate it. so many things to write up! and half of our experiments did not actually work well. Lucky weather so nice today so i dont feel gloomy anymore, last week was horrible. I felt crappy for most of the days last week, dont know why. at least today my mood seems to perk up much more. I feel quite homesick-ish to be honest these days, which is very very rare..this might be the 1st time i seriously feel properly homesick. In the 4 years ive been here, rate of homesickness = almost zero. I wanna go home and ride Chief :(

so sick of writing up this endless lab reports :( !!
i cant believe how LONG it takes me to actually understand things now
seriously..
this is worrying
the good thing was that these 2 days im fully entertained for dinner :) takes my mind off from revision/lab reports/etc completely! hehe good company keeps me going through the day

Bosen.
gw bosen deh..masa seharian hari minggu kmaren dipenuhi dengan ngetik lab report yang bejibun buanyakkk nya..gila deh ya ni lecturer gw yang skarang. Masa ada 10 (sepuluh!) assignments yang due di hari yang sama! bener2 sadistis.. so far gw baru slese 3, masi ada 7.Buat nyelesaiing satu aja gw perlu at least stengah hari.. 4-5 jam gitu dah. mana smuanya susah bgt, yg ada gw buka2 textbook ama journal mulu. untung temen2 semua senasib, halah..yang ada dari kmaren msn ga brenti2 deh kita diskusiin jawaban ama results gituh. Bener2 deh gw bosen ngerjain segunung assignment ini.. .. ... ada yang mo ngerjain buat gw? dan pagi ini gw skip lecture saja demi berdiam diri dikamar buat mengerjakan tugas ini.

Happy saturday

Omg, today was such a GOOD day!

Yesterday night went to mini juch wit charlotte, mimi, miriam and all to celebrate yet another "I love me day" (again one of nina's excellent idea) to watch dvd's and bake cookies and brownies and basically spent the night indulging ourselves with chocolates and sweets lol
To start off today, i rode Loki in the morning and schooled him over poles..he behaved perfectly! happy. Then went to manda's house to play basketball during lunchtime :) we both haven't played in ages!! played with manda, hank,& ritch...sooooo gooodd! i swear im so gonna play basketball again next year. miss it so much! Stop by in VUE on the way home, and so happen magda was working :) ! chat a bit, she's leaving this thursday too. Went home, feeling very hungry and sleepy (me and manda decided we're both damn unfit cos we're dying after playing for only like 30 mins! to think we used to play 2-3 times a week, for hours each time..oh dear), i fell asleep on the bus listening to my favourite new soundtrack from goong. And to add the happiness of the day, i met both dian and inka on msn just now :) we havent met face-to-face since 2 yrs ago..cos we're never back in indo at the same times of the year! :( so funny cos just now we were in reminiscing mode, thinking back to all those times we've known each other over these 15 years. And we got to the point where we're thinking if we have children in the future, then we can match-make them if we have boys and girls! lol yeah right, children..maybe we should go find ourselves a boyfriend first haha. Quite amazing, i've known them practically since i can start clearly remembering things and events.. cos they say that our actual memory will only start to establish properly since we're about 5-6 yrs old right..and before that we cant really remember things clearly, like when we were babies. oh well, friends are like shoes.. the older they are, it just fits more and more nicely (quoted from dian), i love u both guys :)
Ok, now back to work!
my mind is cleared up!!
playing for 1/2 a day really helps!!

I keep having this weird nightmares if i fell asleep whilst reading my lecture notes!
so grim, reflects on my unconscious thought on how i percieve the exam stress maybe.

Hm gw sebel deh akhir2 ini mood gw ga jelas gini.. masa kmaren2 gitu ngerasa diri uda yakin bisa ngelupain itu, tapi yang ada gara2 berita yg baru gw denger kemaren..jadi kepikiran lagi deh. bt. Yang pasti, gw lagi kangen pulang indo!! bener deh, secara gw uda 4 taun disini...ini baru pertama kalinya yang bisa bener2 gw bilang kalo gw lagi homesick abis. kangen ama smuanya deh, kangen ama kuda2 gw..ama anak2.. entah kenapa, padahal biasanya dari smua orang yg dsini, gw paling heran kalo ada orang yg bilang lagi homesick.. baru skrg gw ngrasain yg pengen pulang bgt! yah..gw rasa ini karena akhir2 banyak kejadian yang bikin beban pikiran gw lah..dan secara ga bisa gw tulis dsini juga berhubung ga bgt kalo sampe orang yang bersangkutan ngebaca, biarpun sebenernya orangnya juga ga ngerti bahasa indo sih. Dan gw yang lama2 mulai mikirin apa ini karma yah gara2 hampir 1 1/2 taun lalu, gw ngelepasin sesuatu yang bener2 berharga. dan emang bener penyesalan datangnya terlambat. bodo deh. anyway tadi gw lagi blog surfing, dan gw baca di blognya ririe ttg berita kompas yang ada anak pl ngadu ke polisi gara2 dianiaya... yang ada tu anak alamat dikerjain slama 3 taun penuh dia di pl kali.. walah. jangankan ngadu ke polisi, dulu aja pas gw masi di tarq, ada temen seangkatan yang ngadu ke bkp nyokpnya..yang ada jadi alamat kita satu angkatan juga yang kena dikerjain ama kk kelas. tapi yah tarq ga separah pl sih, kalo tarq cmn main mulut aja.. tapi masa2 gw di tarq bener2 masa terindah deh, the best times. apalagi pas kelas 1, dsuruh ngapalin nomer telpon kk kls di basket ampe kaya orang bego aja.. ngapalin ulang taun, minta ttd, dll..unforgettable, the best times of my life :)

I like long-distance, unexpected phone calls :)
thanks for calling just now!
skype makes life so much easier (and cheaper!)
They say people who talks to their friends and family often tends to be happier
and i decided to take more study breaks now..otherwise will surely burn out before exam even started! and today i realised that my math/chemistry skill has fallen way way low.. took me ages to even understand how to dilute and how to get certain concentration! bad.. and i used to like maths. and i actually eat three proper meals today :) (thx ninghan! hehe)

me and ME

Have i told you that im going to start manipulating time from now on?
not the other way around
and surprisingly, it works really super duper well!
helps me not to feel stressed. or rushed. or angry.
Yay! ive found the secret recipe to make myself free from ME.

I just realised how wonderful msn is when i was chatting with four old middle school friends, from four different countries just now :)
internet is smart
and i am happy to hear from you guys!! andra mikael reman tanky
cheer me up in this gloomy, rainy, dull and cold sundayy.....besides the comfort of sipping hot chocolate while watching yet another series in crunchyroll and the occasional disturbing irma in her room. Feels safe and comfy and lazy yet satisfied.

Just spent the last hour talking to thia on the phone :)
happy!
i miss the constant talking on the phone!

me and Jeanne :) after our morning rides

the ones i've grown up with. tasha and putri.

This afternoon i was reading the horse world news in SEA, when i came across this article : http://www.sporthorsecm.com/publish/art1482.shtml in which it was Jeanne's interview. I felt proud for her but at the same time i cant help feeling kind of envious. She's always been like a sister to me, we've known each other since she started riding..we've been through a lot over the years of riding... She's so lucky in a way that she can still pursue her ambition and ride competitively in netherlands. She's even aiming for World Equestrian Games. For me, i stopped competing seriously ever since i came here to UK 4 years ago. Om ronny offered me last year whether i want to try out for the national games and rode for his team again or not,i declined. i know my riding technique has decreased a hell lot...i know i can still ride, its an ability u wont forget..like riding a bike, but im far from the rider im used to be back home when i used to ride to compete.ive been out of proper training for four years now. I know its impossible to cope with having a horse, competing and training if im doing a degree here in imperial, plus it is in London. where the closest riding place was like at least an hour away by tube. It has to be one way or another. I dont mind riding leisurely like i do now, having proper lesson only once a week..plus hacking out and ride Loki on my own during the weekends, but it is not the same. Not the same at all like what i used to do when i was younger, when it was the best times of my life...i rode five to six days a week, every afternoon when i finish school..i'll head straight to the stable and train for 2-3 hours, riding 3-4 horses at one go. My weekends are filled with waking up 5am in the morning and basically spent at least half of the day at the stables, having lessons with om James in the morning and after that just hanging out with my friends in the stable..grooming our horses, feeding them, sitting and chatting underneath the big beringin tree, went for lunch wearing our riding clothes, then went back to the stable..sleeping in the tack room, then checking the horses again before we went home. Most weekends we take turns sleeping over at each other's place...putri tasha alyssa sammy adi james jeanne julie kathi alena..endless horse people who've become just like my family after all these years. Horse community in indo is really small, that's why we've become just like one big family..competitions are our time to all meet up and hang out...even better when we competed abroad, our competition trips to Hongkong, spore, KL, brunei and all those new, funny horses we got over there. all the tears and laughter, winning and losing. I've missed om james a lot, he's been my trainer since i was nine years old..until now. He's the best, just like a mentor and father figure at the same time to me. To be honest, i still have an deep interest to work full-time with horses..but i do know it cost a lot of money, with nothing much in return. I wouldnt lie and say that i'll be contended graduating from a presitigious university then find a high-paying job in the city and start doing like what everyone else does with their life. I will always have it, deep in my heart, that dream with horses. It will always be my perfect dream. Whether i am going to do something about that or not, i hope i will. but for the moment, let me concentrate back on the reality of studying for exams and *fingers crossed* finishing this degree in a year's time. After that, i'll go where the wind blows.

I guess the realisation that exams are still far from over, makes me feel emotional..and nostalgic *sigh.

Somebody said this to me today :
"People can see you as good person because bad person exists, and people can see you as a rich person because poor person exists"
Makes me realise that the world is a cruel place, but it is true that the people whom in everyday life we sometimes see as being 'lower' than us, without them we are also nothing.

Zak is the new love of my life :) !
He was just my type of jumper, and he's grey! i love grey horses.. i was even thinking how it feels like to compete with him when we were jumping today, maybe taking him back home? or buying him? yeah me daydream all the way
but anyway, soo.. happy !!
NOTHING beats that feeling when you just finish jumping a perfect course with a perfect partner :)

Oh to sum up, i'm finally BACK to uni.. after god knows how long ive been holiday-ing and stay home and all. Now currently still in happy study mode, see how long this last..i say next week i'll prob be skipping morning lectures again.

Movies

Yesterday for the first time in almost a year, i actually went to see a movie like how i used to. Not in VUE, in Cineworld with hank,ritch,nti and mad.. I really enjoyed it :) a bit strange cos usually im the one selling the tickets and all, and i cant help looking around and comparing it to VUE..hehe Its funny how just a simple thing like going out to see a movie can make me feel so recharged but i do feel like im back to being a proper student again, not a part-time student, part-time working. Which honestly feels good and liberating, its like how it feels when you took a deep breath of fresh morning air, and exhales it sloowwly....and at the same time like a huge weight being lifted off from your shoulder.

I've been slowly revising these past weeks.. and i've been addicted as usual to watching series during my so-called study breaks. Currently i'm watching Goong, which is so cute and i love it! and happy that i found more streaming websites to watch more asian tv series haha.. thanks to silvia :) Tomorrow back to school, im not looking forward to it and i just think it is so stupid that we still have one module to be completed..whilst the rest (literally, all) my friends are either finishing up their exams already or will start very soon. argh :( i just want to get exams over and done with asap. and let summer holidays come soon.. and i want to go home and ride my horses soo badly. At least on the bright side, there are lots of ppl staying here for the summer..so i wont be lonely here alone :) but i will miss irma for sure and im not looking fwd to stay alone in my flat for about 1 month :(

Since i came back from Badminton 2 days ago, i've been feeling a lot calmer and more happy. I tell myself to just relax, dont let the time manipulate me..but me manipulating the time :) so don't rush myself through the day, there's always enough time to do everything i intended to do in a day.

Hm sedikit tambahan, berhubung kayanya gw ga bisa nulis ini dlm bahasa yang sama kaya diatas.. sejujurnya gw rada ngerasa kesepian deh akhir2 ini.. mungkin harusnya gw jangan keseringan nonton film seri yg bernada2 cinta deh.yg ada gw jadi ngerasa mello sndiri..kepikiran knapa saya masih menjomblo, smentara temen2 malah ada yang uda mo married..huhuh. Tapi dsuruh jadian juga mau ama siapa, setelah yg kejadian baru2 ini..ga dulu deh, jadi beban pikiran yang ada. Sebenernya cuman dari sisi gw nya aja sih...dan mungkin gw sedikit berlebihan.tapi yah bisa dibilang dalam sekitar 2 bulan terakhir ini, gw ngerasa diri gw berubah. Jadi lbh kuat. dan gw juga sering inget dulu artati perna bilang ke gw kalo kita deserve kok utk mengejar kesenangan sendiri, dan kita berhak untuk ngerasa seneng. no matter what :)

Badminton Horse Trial 2007 !

We just came back from Badminton horse show!!

it was amazing :)

I had such a great day today. Awesome.

I've been wanting to go there since the first year i came in UK, Badminton is THE event for all horse crazy people. Its like how Wimbledon is to tennis. Drove up to Bath with Kat, Liv, Freyja.. Spent the night at Alex's place, lucky we managed to find it with the somewhat funny directions he gave us.. like 'straight across the junction' which literally means we have to drove straight through a wall into a farm. haha. Then went there earlllyy this morning :) I met Heather there!! and Voltan and Liffey! Voltan has grown soo big now, i think she still remembers me though. It was quite amazing we can meet by accident, cos i did tell heather im gonna be there. but we didnt think we can meet up cos its soo big and crowded today. A few of the top riders withdrawed due to the ground being too hard, which was a bit dissapointing cos i really wanted to see Zara Philips and William Fox-Pitt :( :( but at least I still see Gemma Tattersall! and Lucinda Frederick!! It was a 4-mile-long course, 30 fences, 86 riders. One of my fav fence is the one i put below, which looks like a humongous picnic table (which is in fact, really BIG.. its like. 1.80 m across, 1.50 m high). Anyway, what we learn today was why the hell do we live in London? lets go move to Surrey next year and start commuting by car to college everyday.lol.but honestly I miss the fields..and the countryside. London kind of suffocate you sometime. I do love London,but still..where are the fields? :(

A search

I seem to be doing a lot of thinking lately, due to the fact that my existence nowadays are limited to the confined space of my flat and sometimes the few precious morning hours spent riding in the woods. Just now i spent a good deal of 15 minutes sitting outside my room, on the balcony..with my eyes closed and the warmth of sunshine on my skin. I was thinking of what i have been doing lately, why my life seems soo..i dont know, so distant i guess.It is not the same as boredom, also not tiredness. As i have so much free time, i'm not physically tired anymore like i used to be a few weeks ago when i was helplessly trying to juggle work, school, and riding. Now i'm more free, but the more freedom i have..the more thinking i seems to be doing. Usually i have a lot of things to think about, but strangely just now i feel like i was at a loss of things to think. Which makes me feel..i don't know how it makes me feel. I'm not sad, not happy, but not contended. Its a bit more like..emptiness. Its like something is missing, but i cant really put into words what is it.. I feel like i'm losing direction where to go next. Usually i am a person who plans and thinks ahead, my days are so organised. but now.. i don't know, i feel like me being here, and writing this..just so.. dunno. Nothing. ..Days like these i'm thankful for you who's always here, thanks for just being you.

Easter visit :)

These sums up what ive been doing when mom and dad were here :) funnily enough, i did enjoy their visit this year much more compared to last year.

Waking up

Just woke up :) i love the feeling of just waking up after eating a full lunch after riding horses. Okay thats confusing, so to put it in order : ride horses, took long shower, eat then sleep :) heavenly hehe..

Anyway, today finally FINALLY submitted my tutored dissertation. That is good. Then i also bought my flight ticket to go home. Sorted. Then got the stuff yaya ordered, another errand done. To end the day, of course by riding. Had a very interesting jumping lesson on Martini today. Challenging! adam made us do exercises where we really had to use our legs to guide the horse to jump in a straight line, instead of relying too much on our hands. which is bad cos some horses just completely hate it if you keep yanking and pulling the reins all the time. i really cant wait to go home and ride now.. how i miss jumping them both. Back to these few days, yah still the same. Revise eat sleep..stay home. Yesterday due to boredom, me and irma decided to go window shopping a bit around victoria street. She's a real good influence on me, really. She stays in all day and study all the time, which motivate me too! but lucky people all will finish exams WAY long before us, poor biologist, finish our exams :( :( why our schedule have to be so sucky. sigh.