Toasties

Seharian drumah.. hmm produktif juga siy, tadi siang ngerjain essay lab reports gw..tdur siang, trus malemnya bangun dan research ttg buat apply masters courses. Dapet toastie lagi buat makan malem dari kote, hehe..lengkap d stay drumah gw sharian ini. Bingung oh bingung...
mau apply ke yang mana yah taun depan??
yang gw suka course nya..jauh banget kampusnya..
yang coursenya yaa okelah, baru deh kampusnya di deket2 sini..
abisnya..
ga mau ninggalin london tercinta ini hehe.. dan flatmates gw tersayang juga :) haha

Suka

Tadi temen gw ada yang nanya, cape ga sih suka ama seseorang yang ga bisa ngebales perasaan kita ? ..

gw jadi mikir, itu cerita gw banget..

dari dulu ampe skarang.. kadang gw mikir kok gw ga cape2 yah suka ama orang yang salah mulu, di timing yang paling salah pula

tapi.. gw mikir lagi, ga kok rasa suka ke seseorang itu, ga bikin cape. sucks memang apalagi kalo orang yg loe suka itu uda punya ce/co lain. tapi..menyukai seseorang itu ga bikin cape. not at all, aneh ya?

ahh mungkin gw memang terlalu suka ber-day dream

Self-esteem gw lagi bagus nih akhir2 ini. senang. Tadi gw baru abis baca2 blog entry gw dari taun lalu..beda yah, kynya yg skrg2 ini gw lebih sering nulis ttg apa yg gw rasain..compare dgn dulu dimana gw nulis apa yg gw lakuin sehari-hari. Merasa content deh saya akhir2 ini. which is bagus bgt :) jadi makin seneng deh gw dengan diri gw yang skarang ini. I like myself more now hehe.. sepertinya dalam setaun ini gw merasa banyak berubah. well, mentally of course. kalo di sum up ya gw uda ngrasain yang namanya bersenang-senang di awan (biarpun belum tinggi bgt di awannya..untungnya) trus langsung jatuh ke basement terbawah. yang ya iyalah sucks tingkat tinggi sekaliii tapi jadi bikin gw beda aja.. itu ngerubah diri gw in a way yang gw juga ga tau dan ga bisa describe seperti apa. tapi its towards the good ones. Nah itu kan baru satu..yang satu lagi, gw uda ngerasain juga gimana rasanya kalo, umm..rada susah memberi metafora utk yang satu ini. hm..kaya misalnya ada orang mau ngasi loe es krim cokelat, nah es krim itu ditaro di depan mata loe..tapi tiap mau loe ambil, eh makin jauh dan makin jauhh aja. Nah nyebelin juga kan tuh, tapi yang ini juga uda somehow ngerubah gw deh..dan untuk yang ini, gw bisa bilang kalo gw emang uda done dengan dia. Gw nyadar kemaren, pas dimana gw bisa dengan cueknya ngobrol ama dia..trus dengan ga tau dirinya minta pinjem jkt dia krn dingin anginnya(ini mengingat gw uda ga ngomong ama dia sejak uhmm.. 4-5 bulan kalo ga salah. tips : ga ketemu orang yang loe pengen hapusin dari pikiran loe, cara termanjur!)

ya gitu deh sekedar apa yg gw rasain skrg.. rada random memang, maap buat yang ga ngerti maksud dan tujuan dari post gw ini heheh

A place that I can always call home

Tadi gw baru baca blog temen berkuda gw, mia & nadia..dan dsitu mereka mention Fesol. Jadi keinget, masi ga percaya gw rasanya kl Fesol uda pergi duluan ninggalin kita semua. tp gw jg yakin kok sol, u'll still be watching us from above there rite :) Anyway, gw cuma mendadak jadi kangen aja ama temen2 berkuda di indo.. Its with you guys that i grew up. Banyak deh ga bisa gw sebutin satu2 loe smua, tapi dipikir2 bener juga.. bbrp waktu lalu gw lagi crita2 ama artati, n kita ngomongin tempat yg we can truly call home. Sampe skarang (ditambah dgn gw skolah di london skrg..) beneran loh jadi bingung sebenernya gw ngrasa kya punya 2 rumah di 2 dunia yg berbeda gitu, London & Jakarta. Jangankan 2 rumah, diri gw sendiri aja slightly beda kok disini dan di indo. Tapi ada satu tempat yg selalu bisa gw rasa kaya pulang kerumah sendiri, satu tempat di jakarta.. Trijaya :) biarpun hampir semua, malah uda semua kali yah..temen2 berkuda seangkatan gw termasuk pelatih, groom n kuda2 kita semua uda ga di trijaya lagi..but still thats the one place where i've been to for almost every day of the week for 6-7 years. Tiap balik indo pasti gw suka main kesana lagi, liat2 kuda2 skolah yg dulu suka gw naikin..Kencana (kuda pertama yg gw pake tanding, dulu aja dia uda 15-17 taun..he must be like 25-28 yrs old now). trus groom2 yg masi ada, dan yah bernostalgia aja gitu. dan diitung2, gw uda naik kuda skitar 13 taun skarang, uda lebih dari 1/2 hidup gw yah..hehe (kan gw skrg umur 21). Nostalgic banget kalo inget2 jaman dulu tiap hari minggu pagi jam 8, group lesson ama om james bareng tasha putri sammy alyssa.. ah those sweet old times :) kangen.

Tooth-fairy

One word : dental treatment here are much better compared to the ones back home :) It didnt hurt at all!!
and just now whilst I was walking back from the dentist to library, I had a sudden vision of myself living in Fulham road, working and actually living here sometime in the future.
Nice, cool weather makes me loves London more.

This time of the year

Actually to think of it, this year I had much more free time on my timetable compared to last year's. Animal behaviour module is also the one module i've been waiting for impatiently ever since I was a fresher. Studywise, not much problem. I guess we really REALLY need to get our interenet connection up and runnning asap at our new flat, otherwise, I can't do my work at home. Starting to get quite fed up having to stay in college searching for journals and saving them to read later at home whilst I actually can just go home and do it IF only BT will get our phone line sorted!
And these days, with all these companies presentations to attend..it makes me feel like its A-level all over again, all the shiny prospectuses of universities were equal to the shiny booklet from each company, being given to us..soon-to-be graduates who are currently at a very confused state in what to do after they graduate. At least I'm not the only one.

Undescribed

Good signs that happier days are more and gloomy days are less recently. Sometimes problems from people around you affect your mood. Also living here, back in London, means it is back to my normal routine where all my activity is well..centered on me really. We're all nicely sorted in our new flat now. St.George Wharf. Damn nice view.. I had resumed my usual jogging routine along the river, with occasional stops to London eye when I feels like it, but most of the times I like this small tiny park near the Albert embankment. I like to organise my thoughts when running, but I can't switch off like when I'm riding. Riding is the best because I always automatically switch off all other thoughts when riding :) oh for the note, Loki is getting FAT. I mean really, but he's still Loki. He nipped me when he saw me again for the first time, that's his way of saying hi. Went on a shopping spree in Frogpool Manor today wt Hazwan (thanks LOTS for driving me there and waiting te!), I've been thinking to go there since last year as I needed to renew most of my riding kits (e.g : my poor GPA helmet which I bought in 2001 and been through some really hard falls since then). My best item today : new long tall black leather boots :) ! yays! I used to had one pair of them made-to-order-but-didnt-fit, left them back home as cant be bothered to lug them all the way here. And i got new bridle for dear Zinnie! hope she can fit to it nicely :) its brown and smelt like fresh new leather. Now I really want to go back home and ride my horses.....if only someone can ship them all here maybe? yeah i wish lol.

Kangen..

Aneh ya, gw kok bisa sih kangen sama orang yang bahkan gw contact tiap hari aja ga.

Tapi bener deh, kangen amat sangat!! kalo mau tidur, yg gw bayang2in dia.. kalo lagi bengong, dia lagi. lagi masak, dia juga. lagi denger lagu, dia lagi dan lagi.. astagaa, dulu ga separah ini lho.

Kalo gw pikir dengan menyeluruh..sebenernya gw ga bisa pinpoint exactly apa sih yang bisa bikin gw ga bisa ngehapusin orang yang satu ini dari pikiran gw. Bener ga bisa. ga nemu tepatnya.

Jeleknya dia..gw tau smua. Baiknya, gw juga tau. Dongo2nya..itu apalagi, tau dgn super baik dah gw. Tapi kok bisa yah ampe skarang pun dia masi adaaa aja di pikiran gw ? ada yang bisa ngasi jawaban mungkin ?

bener deh kata Jack Johnson di lagunya, he's a fortunate fool. bener bangett..

dan satu lagu lagi (juga dari si pak Johnson), better together (kalo ini sih yang gw mau yah haha).

As everyone's life around me seems to be in so much drama these past weeks, my life in comparison feels pretty calm and ordered. I guess we sort of in the pause mode after all the drama last week. Actually after I think about it, its not a drama..its just something we should have done all those years back. What lydia said was correct, after I said all I wanted to say to him...it made me really accept the reality. The reality as for the current moment, sucks for me. but as I said before as well, I am a different person here and there. When I am here, you and those world we once shared..really do feels far away, distant. When I am back there, suddenly we both always fell back to that path where we always been since that time. We always do. Cant wait for December really. I'm not having my head up in the clouds anymore, cos I know daydreaming sucks when the harshness of reality is being put straight out in front of your face. For now, I'm contended :) I decided to stop looking for the answers, cos I knew when the time is right, then it will present itself.

The Prophet

Akhirnya gw bisa cukup lega dan actually bangga dgn diri gw sendiri. Kalo dipikir2, sebenernya its not that big a deal..tapi yang gw lakuin kmaren itu its so out of nowhere. Thanks banget buat my lovely girls yang uda slalu ngedukung gw, sampe bahkan Dian nemenin gw baca email nya juga :) Skarang gw uda ga akan self denial lagi, karena dengan itu bahkan akan makin susah buat gw bisa bener2 move on dari perasaan gw. Slama feeling itu masi ada, then let it be..gw ga akan try untuk menghilangkannya. Tadi gw buka2 n baca2 buku The Prophet-nya Kahlil Gibran, ada sepenggal kalimat yang gw suka : "in the end, love will choose you if you are worth to be chosen for" kira2 kaya gitu..bagus kan? nah gw skarang sih jujur masi blom mau give up, gw masi punya harapan untuk dimasa depan. Tapi untuk skarang ini, gw cukup bisa nerima how things are untuk now. Cukup senang dengan diri saya yang sepertinya uda berubah skarang..hehe thanks my dear sisters yg jauh di sana!

Part of me ngrasa sedih krn sepertinya ini adalah akhir dari segalanya. Part of me ngrasa bangga krn gw aja ga tau gw punya keberanian itu. Akhir kata, sama sperti yang smua orang slalu bilang ke gw, let time tell. Iya kan?

Day one back in London

I'm back in London

I wish I can stay in Indo longer. Things are different, here and there. I am a different person, here and there too. I think I might have done the most stupidest thing ever on my last day back home, but its the thing that has been bugging my mind a lot. I didnt regret saying it. and I have reasons to say it too. Its just, I wish sometimes I can just do things without thinking too much about how others will react. I wish things were different. and the one thing I wish more than ever is if only I can turn back time. Ironically, I know if we stay together, then I wouldnt realise how much I actually cared for him. The period of absence makes me realise that no one can replace you. I tried to, believe me. I wanted to find your replacement, so bad, but nothing works. Everything I tried failed. In the end, my heart always turns back to you. hmmh.

This is frustrating! if only I'm back home for good then I know exactly what to do. Its only since now I no longer believe that long distance relationship will work, so I can do nothing. You too. You also no longer believe in it. so, final point : we're both stuck in a position where we can do nothing at all. How crappy is that.

Tok tok..

Apa yang bakal loe lakuin kalo seseorang yang loe cukup care itu ternyata bisa sangat bodoh kadang2x ? ada deh seseorang yang penting buat gw, tetapi dia itu terkadang amat sangat bodoh..dan seringkali memungkiri hal itu. Pusing juga, ya ga sih? abisnya mau bikin dia sadar juga ga segampang itu. Ditambah lagi, secara orang itu dan gw hidup di dua negara yang berbeda pula. Yah semakin ga ada harapan aja gimana cara gw membuat dia sadar ya.. sebenernya dia mungkin uda tau jawabannya, tapi avoid untuk mengakui mungkin? ato sama seperti gw, yang dulu dimana gw orang yang sering self denial.. tapi sekarang ini gw uda ngerasa cukup berubah. secara sekarang gw selalu berusaha buat jujur ama diri gw sendiri.. abisnya kalo ngebohongin diri sendiri, cape lama2. dan itu juga ga perna nyelesaiin masalah kok.

Fantasi yang menjerumuskan!

Kayanya sindrom gw yang sekarang ini adalah menulis blog kalo gw lagi bete deh. Argh ya siapa coba yg ga sebel. loe perna ga siy ngerasain berada di langit ketujuh terawang2 diatas sana dengan angin semilir menerpa, eh mendadak terhempas jatuhhhh ampe ke basement parkiran pim 2 yang ampe sebawah B3! sangat amat ga bangettt. sebel! sumpah sebel abis. dan secara gw juga ga bisa menuliskan detail knapa gw merasa shitty seperti sekarang inii..berhubung cukup banyak orang yang tau dan ngebaca blog ini. jadi yah seperti skarang deh gw hanya bisa berkeluh kesah anonymously seperti ini. Intinya, gw bingung deh dengan diri gw sendiri.. gw serinngg banget jadi terlalu mudah seneng karena hal2 kecil, dan mulai berfantasi sendiri tanpa memperdulikan realitas yang ada. Trus buntut2nya setelah realita itu ditaroh gede2 di depan mata gw.. gw akan ngerasa omg kenapa gw bisa sebodoh itu dan bahkan sampe berani ngebayangin hal yang uda super jelas ga akan kejadian dalam waktu dekat ini, dan mungkin juga will never happen selamanya. blahblah.

Bluetooth ???

Muahaha.. i just came back from a fun night out with my girls. :) i realised no one had changed too much in the past 5 years we had known each other. We still can make people stared at us cos we laughed and talked too loud, and of course took too many pics. One annoying thing : I cant seem to make the bluetooth device in this computer to work! so i cant upload my pic cos the my laptop had been reformatted (one -t?) and i didnt bring the CD needed to install the programme needed to upload pics from my mobile :(

I really really doesnt want to go back London just yet.. .. ..

Me and Irma postponed our flight until 13 Sept.. the latest we can get :(

Some rants and more

Blah..after lots of talks here and there, I havent come up yet with even a satisfactory decision. I think all of you whom i've been bugging with the same repeated story this past week surely knows what i'm ranting about. Anyway, despite that thing.. horsy life been wonderful. Zinnie's training been going on smoothly so far, and she sure is a fast learner. Brave. Polite. Honest. So far she shows really favourable characters to be a good jumper like her mum, Kim.

I've been dividing my time between Bandung and Jakarta. To train for the upcoming Sentul competition and to spend my time socialising in Jakarta. I even dragged Tephi and Lydia to keep me company in Bandung for a few days.. Met Lyd's friends as well there, in which I must say a pretty interesting experience. Imagine, 2 girls (us) plus 10 guys (we only knew 1 of them) err.. ..

These days I feel like running out of time. If only I am back here for good, then I will surely know how to deal with this. Its only because I might not be back for at least another 2 years, which make me confused in what to do next. Shall I act now or wait until I am back here for good? advices so far from lots of people : wait. me thinking for myself : act now. huh. I realise i'm always been a good daydreamer, but in making decisions..dont ask. i can be so bad at it. There's another thing, in which what Lyd told me.. is that I am currently in a very confused state in what to do with my life in general. I am actually thankful that I still have one more year before I finish this degree, since currently I am at a total lost in what to do after I graduate. Lyd said that deep down I already know the answer, she also told me to follow my feeling. but even now I am doubting my own instict.

The answer

Not being together made us learn a lot about ourselves. I learnt a hell lot more these past two years about myself, my feelings, my strength and weaknesses. Now I got the one answer that I have been searching for ever since. I trust you and I will be right here :)

TC

I realise I am still as horse-crazy as the little girl 14 years ago. I just came back from four days of training like crazy in Bandung Equestrian Centre, where I kept all my horses now. My days were filled with horses and horses and more horses. It reminds me of the old times in training centre with my old teammates back then when I still competed actively. My last couple of days were like this : Waking up at 7.30, prepared the horses and rode for about 4 straight hours..from 8-12 noon. I ride 4 horses each morning..then went back to eat and sleep a bit. Rode again from 15.30-18.00, usually 2 horses in the afternoon. I cant feel my legs and my whole body ache after just four days, but I feel so damn high after each exercise. The physical exercise were even more tiring, yesterday we had to gallop each horse 4.5km twice in both direction..I rode three horses. Its so tiring but I admit it work wonders, Chief's breathing capability is much better now compared to last year. I rode Zinnie, the baby, only 3 1/2 yrs old but she's so matured and calm..she's cute though since she got no clue how to canter just yet. Still, no matter how tiring it is, but i can never get enough of horses and of riding. The split-second exhilirating feeling when we jumped a high fence.. I will never ever get sick of it.I admit, riding is in my blood and will always do. I envy others whose life revolves around horses 24/7, but I guess I'm a pretty lucky girl as of the current moment as well. I wish I can stay there forever and ride twice a day all the time.. I'm coming back there next week though, since I have to train with Chief to compete in the upcoming Sentul competition. yays! at least next week will have the friends to keep me more company there, and maybe even more.

A night out in Jakarta

I'm sick ! :( sore throat..

My immune system must have been really down.. i got sick after only one night out clubbing. huh. anyway centro was not too bad that night, i very rarely go and club here in Jakarta. I prefer london clubs :) but here is not too bad too, esp with great company ! hehe. And the even better thing we stayed at Yaya's apartment afterwards, so no need to go home :) and we can even see the sunrise becos clubs here close damn late until 4.30 ish. The only bad thing, at least one had to stay sober to drive because sadly taxis and buses here are kind of hopeless.

Ah about the closure thing I mentioned in my last post, I take it back. I'll (try) to fight for it in the long run.. in the meantime, i feel great. I feel unbeatable.

Blah, i guess i was being too melodramatic the past few days. Now i feel much better. The attention had stopped. Not that I want it to continue, but to be honest i do miss it a bit..a teeny-weeny bit. Yesterday I made a deal with myself to respect a certain person's decision. This is it, I can finally start to think that this is the real closure.. no more hanging in between. No more loose ends.

I really can start to see the silver lining of the whole thing, after this long.

fiuhhh...

but sometimes I still wonder why I always attract the wrong person. at the wrongest time.

My summer so far

After a long long talk in Coffee Bean.. :) Lydia, me, Tephi and Dwi. We've all been there, done that. Curly fries and fried chickens to satisfy our hunger after talking for almost three straight hours.

Bestie. Me and Dian.. Meeting up for coffee in PIM 2. you're the best always di :)

Indonesian Open 2007.. horsy girls reunion! ex-team mates..we've survived lots together. we've grown up, and some stays in horsy world, some moved on.. but this weekend we all came to meet up once again during one of the biggest competition of the year in Arthayasa.. :) Alyssa, Tasha, me and Sammy.

In Karawaci, UPH..after picking up Dian..wander around BSD and expanding my knowledge about that area in general. Luckily Dwi was with me, my sense of direction can be really hopeless at times *sigh lol

Tarq 2004 ! how i miss you guys..Went to Tarq, saw OH.. saw our juniors. Realised that its been three years since we graduated from there. Time flies, people change, friends stay :)

Some pics to sum up my days here. :)

Gloom..

Ah, what a gloomy day :(
I was driving my lovely ford escape.. it was a rainy night today. Me and Dwi were on our way back home from PIM.. we put on mellow, sad-ish songs..started to talk about why shit do happens, plus it rained..and the traffic was bad. We actually wanted to buy drinks.. but sadly we got no place to drink. ah if only this is London, I will definitely heads to one of our usual cocktail-drinking hangouts on Kings road and started drowning my sorrow (?) in tequila//vodka shots.
This sounds really depressing i know..

Sad sad life.. actually not sad life, i gues sadness or happiness really depends on how you look at things. Say, my current problems are not actually that big if say, compared to a person who for example had lost all his savings or his house fell down etc. Mine is more like me thinking too much and worrying too early for things that may not even happen. I like the feeling of being liked by someone, but i hate myself for being too nice and giving false hopes to that certain person. For the current moment, I'm felling very shitty due to the fact that I know I was being such a bad person..Firstly by letting someone go in the first place, but now thinking that i may want that person back even though it just simply not possible anymore. Secondly, for selfishly enjoying the attention from someone..and may even giving that person false hopes, just because I feel like it and he is here.
I'm in real need of a distraction right now. and why the hell is everyone asleep already??!

Home sweet home :)

Ahh i'm finally back home!!

havent got internet for the whole first week here due to my house just been renovated..finally today got the lovely internet back :) yay!

My house changed completely (of course cos it was knocked down and then built again duh*), i like my new room..got space for all my manga and books collection hehe

My dear friends are the same, how i love spending time with all of them again :) updating each other and gossiping of course. Met my horses too, spend four whole days at Indonesia Open 2007 and how i was itching to get on a horse and compete!! Went to visit my old riding school in Trijaya and SKJP too.. horsy people are the best! they stay the same too..met up with my horsy friends and my trainers too.. Kim and Chief are still fit and jumping as good as ever! Ferry and Steven did such great job riding them both and keeping them in shape. Kim got 2nd in120 cm open class and Chief got 1st in 110cm open. I realise both of them aged already now.. cant really push them too much.

Sometimes i think i'm able to change who I am, I tried once and ended up fretting and regretting it ever since. I know I was stupid before, and no matter what i do..turning back time is the one thing I really want to do but unable to sadly. If only I can go back to that day, almost two years ago now..Even though now i'm still unsure why my feelings seems to always turn back to that certain person again, but the truth is that i do regret what i did back then, a lot. I've changed a lot too, i wouldn't say for the better..but now I know to always, always be honest with myself. Not pretending. Not ignorant. Not taking anything for granted. Not lying. Ah.. regret always came a tad bit too late. but things happen for a reason, its just i realise this a bit too late. very fucking late actually.

I got no rights to do anything about it now, I tried to replace you and everytime it seems to work for awhile, then i realise that for now, i still cant. You are and always going to be that one in between, its tiring to pretend otherwise.

And this is for YOU, not you. I always got a soft spot for you, but maybe i'm cruel because i know im just happily enjoying your attention. but i know you know what i think, and you know i will be gone in a month and we will not see each other for another year at least.. so lets see where the wind blows and where we will end up :)

Visiting mom..

Yay currently in Singapore :) visiting mum. doing lots of shopping and eating :)

the weather is damn humid! omg just walking to the bus stop makes me damn sweaty alrd but not bad, everywhere i go meet people then always got treated with lunch and dinner hehe

I've been satisfying myself with eating lots of snacks and ice drinks! by comforting myself that i wont get these foods in uk :)

Memories.

I cannot let go of memories easily.

Imagine if humans have the ability to erase and retain certain memories..will life be more convenient that way? or does memories exist because their presence makes the person we are now?

London Zoo :) !!

Ice cream at the zoo (despite the windy and grim weather)

Girrafe (girraffe?) has THE most beautiful eyelashes, I swear. and they look so docile, cant believe they are actually can be more violent than a horse..which is the reason human cant domesticate them

a very cute butt of an Okapi! i thought it was a zeedonk at first (a zeedonk = a cross between a zebra and donkey, and yes it does exist)

Tour de France, when they had this french village thingy in Hyde Park.. (= lots of french snacks)

err..never mind me. but the sky above is not a bad picture rite :)

I got a sore throat and slightly runny nose..and my flight is in less than 24 hours. not a very good news, but i'm happy indeed. Finally time to go back home!! Also yesterday I had a really good time in London Zoo!! I cant believe i didnt go there before.. its not a spectacular zoo or anything, ive been to some bigger zoos with more animals before, but I really had fun watching the animals. Just stand there and watch the girrafe walked slowly, docilely.. watched the gorilla sit still.. the (ew) anaconda snake try to eat its dinner (a mice, double ew). Although i feel like slapping some of the visitors sometime who uses bright flash to take pics of the animals, or who kept knocking or talking loudly around the cages! Each animal got their own caretaker, so the caretaker gets to know their animal really well.. it sounds like a fun job :) it shouldnt be too different than being a groom or owning a horse rite, basically u should clean their shit, feed them, and get to know them well so if they are sick..or look off, you can tell instantly. I imagine it will be nice to have this kind of connection with big//'wild' animal maybe? imagine having the same bond or trust you used to have with your horse, but this time it is with a girrafe or an elephant maybe? Thanks mimi for the free tickets!! :) :) and I love, love my new haircut! she's one of the very few hairdresser who manage to cut my look-straight-but-actually-wavy hair nicely :) (tambahan bwt ti, iyah yang tkg cuci rambut lutju yahh heheh..)

Huh..
I feel so shitty today
I want company, but at the same time i want to be alone
I want to go out and shop, but at the same time i dont feel like shopping
I want to eat, but at the same time i dont want to eat

.............................
argh.
seriously whats wrong with me, stupid weather maybe?

I found a course i would totally love to do for masters!!
finally. its the first time i actually feel motivated and feel like I got a new goal to reach!
excited. still need to look for more details, but from a brief overview..it is a course that is perfect for me. totally me.
and my supervisor just ask us out for lunch tomorrow as tmr is my last day. so nice.. .. .. :)

And soon i really should be able to find out the answer of this nagging thought which has been bothering my mind these past few months. I'm going back home, back to where you are. yay

J.K Rowling is amazing !!
I've just finished re-reading the last harry potter book for the second time in four days.
one word, simply AMAZING :)

Today I finished so many errands! went riding and say goodbye to Loki..literally rush back home, then dashed out again to get stuff that people asked me to buy and bring back home.
I still need to find cat's claw..

Cardio(s)..

Yay! going home soon, very very soon :) :) !!

London is not too bad these days

Work was great..not in the term that i did too many useful things really, but the colleagues been wonderful, and i've discovered LOADS of new eating places that are scattered outside central London thanks to Carina :)

plus the long lunch breaks // shopping in sloane street..

and the usual discussion of korean dramas.. with the occasional real work to do with the hearts.

After working there for awhile, i'm getting more used to the term of..err.. death. Well, lets see..a typical day starts usually with reading tons of post-mortem (a.k.a reports they made after you died) and autopsy reports. Then continued with looking at heart samples or photos of hearts from various babies or childrens.. some with notes attached that it needs to be returned to the body somtime soon. Then most of the day will be filled with filing all those hearts with different defects into the suitable categories and coding them basically. So.. for example, lines like these are very commonly found.. 'died at ..am/pm', 'unable to resuscitate', 'died while going to the bathroom'..or even more tragic 'collapsed on the street'.. etc.

Sometimes I tried putting myself in the shoes of the people who actually knows these children.. their parents, their friends. They must be miserable. Whilst as doctors, these are all daily cases for them to treat.. say, if you are a banker, then you deal with you client's money..a hairdresser deals with hairs, a teacher deals with different students, well..a cardiologist deals with hearts and someone's life literally. A pretty heavy responsibility.. obviously.

Sekilas saja..

Sepertinya gw banyak melakukan hal-hal bodoh deh belakangan ini, tapi kemajuan loh dgn diri gw yg skarang..gw berani utk fix yg uda gw bikin. Kadang2 gw ampe heran sendiri, sejak kapan ya gw jadi punya keberanian kya gini? ajaib kalo dipikir2..biarpun daridulu, gw bukan orang yg takut untuk lari dari kenyataan sih..tapi akhir2 ini gw suka heran dan takjub ama diri gw sendiri. Bagus sebenernya, tapi kadang gw mikir..knp gw bisa sgt sgt bodoh yah? tapi yang bikin gw seneng, entah kenapa biarpun bego..tapi gw puas dengan keberanian dan..mm..kedewasaan diri gw untuk deal dan nerima hal-hal yang dulu mungkin masi ga bisa gw terima :)

I've learnt something today, i've learnt to be more me.. in spite of everything.

Lovely London

These days i feel like i'm getting to know this lovely city all over again :) For the past 2 years living here, i've been getting used to always shop, eat, and hang out at the same places but these past few weeks of summer has really been interesting. I went to visit and experience lots of things that London has to offer. I always know there are lots of things and events going on here, but just cant be bothered to go and visit them. This summer since i have lots of free time and people to accompany me to go.. :)

Borough market on a Saturday morning, the variety of food and lots of cheese to taste!..

Hyde park to watch the Tour de France, plus a visit to the french food market :) with churross//chocolate sauce ..

Lying on the grass whilst simply talking about everything..

Wandering around the small cafes in Kings rd (ive passed kings rd tons of times, but never bothered to actually really explore it before)..

Watching Mamma Mia the musical yesterday, it was AWESOME! (do believe me, me who actuall fell asleep in the middle of Phantom of the Opera and Chicago). At the end of the show, everyone was on their feet, clapping and singing along to ABBA songs,,such as Dancing Queen and Mamma Mia. GO and WATCH this musical!! it is GOOD!!!

and even now, me, miriam & saira went to ate Four Seasons.. then we wander around Bayswater and Queensway area, i never knew they had so many egyptian//middle eastern stalls and shisha cafe there, similar to Edgaware rd and reminded me of Cairo, when me and ninghan got lost and stumbled upon this dodgy looking market (forgot the name now).

I love London, simply do :)

The summer(s)

Exactly one year ago I was in Egypt. Can't believe its been one whole year since that time. I was watching a movie which had this shooting star scene just now, which reminded me of the times we all laid down on our backs and just watched endless shooting stars every night..after having had a full meal, complemented with mint tea (figured out i can only drank 2 cups max otherwise no sleep for me) and the occasional chance of shisha. I can still remember those moments as cleary as it was only yesterday in my head. Wonderful country, great company :) Its funny how these days, i seem to mark each year by the summer..since its always summertime when things will happen, new places to travel to, friends and family to visit and many more. Last summer was Egypt, which was by far one of the best summer i've ever had, it was so good that i can even classify it as 'those' kind of experience which is once in a lifetime only. Summer two years ago was when I had my first taste of being in a real relationship, which was difficult to sum up in words but in a way had formed me to be the person i am now. It was also the summer i learnt that even someone you thought you knew so well, can never fail to surprise you. I can't recall the summers before that.. but somehow, summertime is always the benchmark for the year for me. So far, this year's summer had been, how i must say..makes me more comfortable to be me. I spent a lot of time in my own company these days, which strangely made me know myself better. I realised most of the times i worry about other people too much, i neglected myself. Catching up with yourself is a good thing :)

Hm not bad not bad..im watching why why love just now, and as Carina said, it was as good, maybe even better than DBY :) ! tomorrow morning im meeting Loki too, cant wait. funny huh, no matter how tired i am, but i seriously dont mind waking up at 5 to go and see him. He's the best in a way that no matter what, he'll be happy to see me. He's constant. Maybe i really should get a pet next year. Goldfish anyone?

The cleaning frenzy

Tireddddd..so very very tired from the constant cleaning and packing ive been doing these past few days. this week been quite hectic i must say. Most stuff packed and stored, ready to be stored tomorrow :)

Being tired means i dont have time to think about stuff that i dont want..or better not..think about, which is yeap good in a way. Yesterday went out with Ti to this cosy little cafe :) came home feeling sort of recharged-ish if u get what i mean. Well, its not too bad actually..its just that i need to sort myself out first, then when i figure out what i actually want..then i'll go for it. rite? i guess in a short time i will see how it goes, whether things are still the same or not since last year. yeap, two more weeks to go.

Akhir2 ini lagi entah kenapa sering kepikiran tentang....yeah tentang kamu. Kamu yang sampai skarang masi belum bisa gw temuin tempat yang cocok in my heart. Kenapa ya, mungkin karena kamu pernah jadi semuanya at least once in my life. Jadi sampe sekarang, gw masi susah utk mutuisn..mau nempatin kamu dimana. hmm. aneh ya, uda lama ga mikirin kamu..tapi beberapa minggu lalu, mendadak kamu dateng lagi dalam pikiran gw.. dan still there ampe skarang. Mungkin karena akhirnya gw sadar, kalo even ampe skarang..setelah sekian lama, kamu bakal tetep jadi seseorang yang sedikit lebih dari temen bwt gw.

The one with the kids

Today was a rather interesting day i must say. Especially since its ONLY Monday, but i'm bloody knackered already. It started off pretty normal, me helping Carina and Dr.Ho and all running their last course. which is hands-on cardiac morphology (yes, hands-ON, not hands-OFF like a certain delegate has refereed to other courses as). Then when i stepped into the office this morning, suddenly i got an assignment to babysit these two cute german kids during my lunchbreak, since their mum is one of the tutor for the course. Sooo...along i went with them during lunchtime to Sloane Sq, regretting all the way why i never continue to learn German. I managed to stutter a few words of german to them, enough to make them understand that 'we are going to the park', 'play there for one hour', 'will bring you back to your mummy after', that sort of thing. Lucky Carina was there with me too, and she's great with children. Too bad David left last week, otherwise me and him can both bring the kids since he, as Carina does, is also good with children. Me? don't ask..children for me are strange creatures. I'd rather have someone ask me to babysit their pets anytime of the day, whatever pet it is. A horse or a dog? yes very much welcome, a rabbit or chicken maybe? sure why not.. a snake, tarantula, spider, or lizard? no problem at all. Yes bring me all kinds of animals, i'd rather watch them compared to kids (human kids of course). Dont get me wrong here, its not like i hate kids.. i dont really. Its just i dont know how to interact with them, how to approach and talk to them. This may sound very weird as most girls or women i know are totally in love with kids.. whilst me..err..no, not really. Kids are not my specialty. Being brought up as an only child, as well being one of the younger generation amongst my cousins has not given me much chance of babysitting younger family members or cousins. Most of my younger cousins are just babies when i left Indo to come to UK..and they hardly recognise me now when i went home for holidays. I gave kids riding lessons, but they are different because they are on horses. Hmm..guess i need to learn how to interact with children more. I never really realised this side of me until today really. a bit funny..and slightly worrying at the same time since i do want to have kids someday, maybe.

A night at the Troubadour

I really like Brent Flood :) they are good! i rarely went to see gigs truly just because i'm simply lazy, even tho there are endless gigs here. but this one, i like! and i know them too, well sort of. Tonight was good, its a night out but not a too tiring one. Its the one where you went back home after work, dressed up a bit, went out then arrived back home sober and before midnight.. so the morning after you will be ready to rise and shine, and go to work.

~Happy birthday man :) !! heheh.. (ti, candid yg diatas kuambil yaa..hehe i like x)

i got a headache,, but the fun part is tonight we're going out to watch brent flood playing in troubadour :) !!! the lead singer reminds me a lot of s cook, really.

Whee.. i just had an interesting lesson on Jack :) he taught me a lot, a lot..cant actually feel my legs now.. the proof that i need to jog more, but the weather so crappy these days.

and last night i read a horsy book before i slept, and i had nice dreams about my horses back home :) how i miss them so.. less than a month's time then i can ride them!!!

Started to get used to my 'work-home-go out-work' daily routine now, i like the feeling like a proper working woman hehee.. even tho my job can be described as, very various, i must say. One day can be given a lot of interesting stuff to do, looking and recording heart specimens and all, and talking to these interesting surgeons/cardiologist etc.. then one day can be given totally easy/boring job like entering data into the database. Overall, i must say the hospital world is very interesting, and its a really refreshing environment for me. Different. :)

My flat shines!! sparkling clean!! in less than 1 hour everything was wiped, vaccumed, scrubbed, and dusted :) :) thanks to hank,hazwan,ritch! hehe even my kitchen was soo clean i dont even want to use it. *sigh* smilling happily..what a productive sunday.

Sums up my past activities after exams :) I cant help it, i like recording things down..in my blog, in my journal and in my facebook/friendster page. Happy times are good :) then when im down and lonely, looking at all the happy happy memories and photos never fails to at least put a silly grin on my face.. hehe. As you may guess, im currently have nothing better to do over the weekend.. Just came back from a very fulfilling dinner at Four Seasons with Ale as well. and now i cant be bothered to do anything..except sitting down under the duvet on my comfy couch, sipping a big mug of tea while watching the raindrops falling outside my window :)

good bye Delph!! :*( drinks at Lloyds + meeting up with fellow VUE-ex workmates
Sheep//Lamb (supposedly he's Shaun the Sheep i guess) at west end live concert! very entertaining, so sad we missed Sound of Music and Dirty Dancing.. ..

Babushka! celebrating the beginning of summer :) :)

Babushka too!

Hyde Park! last day of exam, straight after the exam actually.. never felt more free and relaxed *release deep breath* :) :) grins~

Wet,wet.. w e t Sunday

Gosh, i feel like i havent written here in ages! updates, ive started work at the hospital last Monday. I quite enjoyed it, it opens up a whole new interesting knowledge for me..who've been surrounded by bacteria, xylem, phloems, b cells and t cells all year round..now changes to atrioventricular, avsd, mitral valves, etc. My supervisor is great, and her other team members are all friendly :) Medicine is a very interesting area i must say.I feel a bit lost with all the terminology and stuff at first, but after a few days i get used to it already. I kind of like the working hours too, 9.30-5 ish..not strict, can come a bit late or leave early..then after work i went out with friends. Feel like a proper working woman now.. haha. I went out everyday last week after work, which was brilliant.. i went to a gig with charlotte and other bio ppl, visit artati's place for yummy dinner, went for a drink with fellow ex-vue workmates. I must say, i enjoyed my summer here so far :) and im used to be alone now in my flat since irma went back two weeks ago, so its fine :)

Today i rode Loki as usual, then what Nikki said to me truly make me smile all day..hehe.. happy that the work and training ive done with him is being recognised and praised most of all :) :) She said he's much more matured now and ready to learn piaffe!! how cool was that..I love it best when the owners are happy with the horses ive trained and exercised!! reminds me of Bobby and Jolly.. i grew really fond of them both.

Other things.. bomb threat in picadilly yesterday! shocked me when i read it on the news.. the first thing that cross my mind was that, shit i have to call home cause mom and dad most prob be quite worried since they knew i went to that area quite often at nights.. of course, its picadilly!!

London is so bloody wet these days.. i didnt even bother putting my umbrella in my bag anymore, since i just had to keep taking it out and unfolding it. luckily im in such a good mood these few days, even shitty weather doesnt make me feel miserable like it usually does!

when you close your eyes, time just passed

then it came upon you, a realisation of all the time you have lost

making up for the lost time is not an easy task, for time..when its gone, it is simply lost

Need more SLEEP

I got a headache, which might be the result of only sleepin 2 1/2 hr last night :( aiya sometimes im so stupid in taking care of my own body in terms of getting enough sleep! I need distraction today. There is this thing bugging me which i dont really feel like thinking about it.. so im in dreary need to be distracted, which prompted me to go to dian's place just now, since she's like the closest neighbour i have here (10 min walk!). Ohwell, i guess some people will call me cold and a bit heartless, but thats the way i deal with things. I rarely show my emotions when faced with problems and emergencies, which some people might interpret it as being emotionless of some sort. but i dont mind, people who knows me knows that i do care :)

Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue.

And the dreams that you dare to dream

Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far Behind me.

Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops.

That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly.

I'm FREEEEE...!!!
free ..free...~~ no more examsss!!!!
ahhh the sweet taste of the long-awaited freedom :) :) !!!!!!!!!!

Meredith-michaels Beerbaum and Shutterfly was awesome! i was watching their winning round in last year's world cup and it actually made me shiver from admiration :) they moved like one.

The one day before summer really begins

one more to go..one more paper!!! only genetics left tomorrow!!

cant believe..time flies. now its back in summer holiday again. was talking wt ninghan today and we agreed tht yeap, last summer in Egypt had been a magical, amazing, once in a lifetime sort of experience..which we can always look back with a smile on our faces :) i wonder what this summer gonna bring for me, for this is the first time i will actually spend a proper summer in uk for at least a month. I'm more curious towards whts urop gonna be like, but im sure it shd be fine. ive met my supervisor, and i also been introduced to her group..small group, friendly ppl. got one japanese guy n one singaporean girl too :) then i still have Loki for the weekends. Friends are mostly here as well. thinking about it, this might be my last summer here in case if i decided to go back home to work next year..even tho im still 100 % indecisive about whats my plan after i graduate.

Lullaby

I cant sleep!

these past two days my sleeping pattern was so bad, i woke up at least three times in the middle of the night. at first i thought something bad happened back home, so i called home. but everyone was perfectly fine, mom, dad, oma, opa, and horses. so why the hell i still cant sleep properly?? weird

Two papers were done and over with. I cant say im too happy with immunology, but virology was ok i hope. I think i must be the weirdest person ever, since I'm always the one starting revision way to damn early (ok say like 2 months before the exam..how early is that) and the one who stop panicking and just succumb to fate when it is near exam time. During exam time like these days.. i revised only briefly the day before the exam, and thats it. I know its impossible to cover everything and get perfect perfect grades for me anyway, so i know i had prepared my best..all that is left is to actually do the paper :) my point of view is that it is the effort that counts, not the final result.

Anyway,, i want to go to sleep but i cant!! drinking warm milk helps?? i really need to sleep!!

oh pic above was taken in Thorpe Park, went there last Saturday. The cloud above the lake was amazingly looks like a drawing!..It rained that day!!!! it was fun tho, went there wt everyone. went for a total of three rides, but nevertheless i always love going to theme park. and screaming like crazy on roller coaster can really relieve stress! in the end, the rain left us all completely soaking wet, thank goodness we decided to drove there instead of taking the train. at least we all dried up nicely and warmly and slept in the car on the way back :)

Love will lead you back :)

Historical..moment?

I was cleaning my room just now, i came across a framed picture of me and chief..then i saw the date : 04/06/99. It means 8 years ago. Then i went blog-browsing, came across an entry which about the riots in May 1998. Its been exactly 10 years ago now, yet it was still so vivid in my memory. What i remembered was, it was a hot afternoon.. I was in school. School was not supposed to end yet, but a few parents came and picked up their children..my classmates. We were not too sure what happened, but i overheard our teachers saying that the roads started to be blocked everywhere..so we have to go home soon otherwise we might be at risk of unable to go home. My elementary school was in south jakarta..riots started in north jakarta, but it spread out quickly to central area as well. My mom picked me up not long after that, I remembered exactly what she wore on that day as well..her green emeral colour work suit. We went home, luckily we still managed to went home. Dad came home soon after. I rememberd, at night we were worried because one of my older cousin, ko John... had not yet came home. His university, Trisakti, was the main area where the students protested against Suharto. A few..three? or more? of the students were shot that day in the campus. He came home late and he told us he was stuck in one of the classroom during the day, because the police barricaded the campus perimeter. In the end they were able to leave thankfully. Those same night, i remembered mom told me to pack an overnight bag..just in case. I carried my new riding helmet everywhere because during that time, that was my most precious possesion for me. Dad and wasudi went with all the guys who lived in our complex..patrolling our neighbourhood to prevent the mass from breaking in. The neighbourhood next to ours were not so lucky, some houses were broken into and the mass just took everything they found. Lucky our neighbourhood didnt. We were stuck in the house for ..2-3 days? and it was the time for final exam for elementary school..so it was postponed. When we came back to school..i remembered the school president, arif..the guy whom i had crush on for like ages back then..asked me to write a poem for this other school...Theresia or Sanur ..Tere i think. which got some part of their building burnt down..and a few of the nuns injured as the mass set the school campus on fire. It feels a bit funny now if i look at the history textbook for school children in indo..they will have a chapter about this riot, when the reformation began.. its weird knowing that i actually was there, experienced that ..mm..historical change i guess. oh well..so much for my mind wandering..gtg sleep now :)

Home alone

I just realised that my previous posts before this were so depressing. You must think i'm in a sort of depressed and fed up and tired due to exam stress.. hmm might be true. Today is my first day home alone! irma left this morning.. I went library, met michael, havent seen him in AGES! i like level 2, got many ppl that i know these days. Well, last night i slept a 3, woke up at 6,send irma off..then went to library super early at 7sih. I left early as well, since as usual, im weird..the closer i am to the exams, the more relaxed i became. Went back, COOKED! ohmy been dunno how long since i cook a proper proper meal for myself :) healthy as well.. lunch today is veggie. yummy..and my fridge is fully stocked with smoothie/ice tea/fruit juice. I drank like a camel nowadays..

sometimes i think why happiness is so damn hard to achieve? or does it depends on your perceptive as well? hmmh staying in library all day makes my brain becomes blur and my mood unpredictable.thinking of some past memories and decisions ive made, and made me all soppy and nostalgic, regretful and yet thankful, smiling and teary-eyed at the same time. not very good when all i wanted to do now is focusing on how t cell travels around your body and kills all the pathogens.. and just now i actually fell asleep right after drinking a can of redbull!

hmpf.. a year passed by so damn fast, in a blink of an eye
irma's leaving the day after tomorrow..i'll miss her and her randomness :(
staying alone for 1 month will be no fun i guess. i do kinda like being alone most of the times, yet somewhat knowing that she's here is very..familiar i guess. And finally in 2 days these stupid exams are going to finally START! now i'm in zero mood to study, i just study for the sake because i-need-to-be-studying-because-i-have-exams. I think people around me must be tired hearing me complain why i havent started whilst they already finish their exams for the umpteenth time.

Finance-wise

yay i like people come visit me in library!!
today many ppl come and visit me in my lib corner in haldane !
(even though they finish their exams ages ago already.. .. no comment)
anyways, today got this clumsy lady spilled MILK over my jeans + birkenstock! :( not fun at all.. it was in accoms office when me and irma went to submit our summer accom forms, hopefully can get evelyn gardens like last year.
Then i went to finance training at the union.. .. and it makes me a bit (ok actually a LOT) worried about my job next year as treasurer. You can get expelled from college if u did finance fraud, apparently there was some guy a few years back who got access to college bank account and he stole 635,000 quid! and also by being a trustee member of the union, they have the right to, simply put, hold grudge, against you in case you fucked up in your job and had to be sacked. Plus, VAT fraud is serious crime, can put you at least 6 years in jail with unlimited fine. Not like i'll ever do some VAT fraud, but just scared in case i do some stupid mistake in the budgeting money and all. And also all the tedious process, even need triplicate copies to bank the income.. put the correct club codes, consolidation code, expenditure, weekly finance report etc etc. Then also apparently if you are the exec comittee..u have the authorisation to allow expenses up to £ 1,000,000.-!!!! omg i nvr knew kat and jon got so much power. Me as treasurer can only authorised expenses up to £200, Sam as chair can authorise up to £1,000. but in a way, i'm looking forward to start working properly as a treasurer!! :) :) i miss being part of an organisation, and i always have this weird liking to do things that need scrupulous attention until the smallest possible details :)

Another Sunday

The first attempt at the so-called candid in the middle of a hot summer afternoon..with nothing to do
The second attempt at taking yet another candid moment :) while..err watching a rather interesting pair of people sitting not far from us

a present :) i like getting flowers !!

I got headache just now..a really bad one. didnt know why, so decided to take aspirin. bad bad.. have to get better soon. i was having yet another lazy sunday today, wandering around covent garden and had yummy okonomiyaki for lunch. im seriously getting broke soon since i havent cooked in a week and keep buying takeaways or eating outside or sometime irma/hazwan cook for me. argh..5 more days until exams will finally start! im having a moment of panic attack this afternoon in library, when i realised i have no clue what does cowpea mosaic virus and murine leukemia virus actually do. and it doesnt help that ive been having this stupid headache too. i should go to sleep soon i guess. and tomorrow wake up nice and early, go to library, attend the finance training for club officer, meet up with scott, sort out accomodation. longg long day tomorrow :( i want to go home!! boredom..and just getting quite fed up with studying really. At least on a happier note, i like my new camera phone!! the pic it takes are damn nice (see above), and even faster to upload to my laptop compared using normal camera! and i really should start saving money otherwise i will seriously live on instant noodles for the next 6 weeks until i go home. stop shopping. reduce eating out. sadly, i cant help but thinking that i deserve a nice yummy dinner at the end of the day after ive been revising for the whole day. sigh..indulgence.

Kangen rumah.. mood gw lagi ga jelas deh bbrp hari ini. gw kangenn banget ama temen2 lama di indo.. temen2 dari jaman sd/smp/sma. sometimes i feel so lost amidst all the familiar faces :( at least there is one place i know i will always belong.

Midnight nothing-to-do-ness

Just finished watching Equus :) ! naked daniel radcliffe + horses in the storyline. not bad at all, it was unexpectedly good really. and he acted well. and we did waited for about 30mins afterwards, sadly he didnt came out from the backstage door.
Food indulgence in Belgo! those mussles and mango beer, finished nicely with warm waffles topped with chocolate/hazelnut ice cream

Happy 22nd to you! ur the best :) !! it was quite an unexpected surprise, due to some sudden change of plans. but ohwells, we spend the night in a small cosy celebration, with cakes and ice creams and late night movies :)

Pretty, aren't they? from kew gardens as well, will take more pictures but sadly my camera battery died :(

Simon visiting, went to kew gardens :) thanks to judith for the free entry! it was a nice nice sunny spring afternoon, plus flowers everywhere and lazying on the grass under the sun :)

Okay, i guess im just so damn bored with ..i dont even know why im bored. so i decided to put up random collection of photos that sums up whts been happening these last few weeks to me. im just killing time to wait so i can call dian back home in indo, hmm another hour..what to do. btw, equus is good! quite rare for me to like a certain play, due to the fact that i fell asleep watching moulin rouge, chicago, and phantom of the opera. but i enjoyed equus, it was a nice play and i can relate very well to alan strang's character as it was portrayed as someone who worshipped horses, but in a strangely twisted way. anyway, i like it.

vauxhall looks like a nice place to live next september :) i want to live next to the river so can run alongside it. Was nice catching up with ajeng,dian just now over late late dinner. and on the other hand, i never know that you can get your stuff from DHL which was suppose to arrive here from home safely today..STUCK in the custom! damn. its so troublesome to fill the custom clearance form and all. i do hope it can be released soon.

Wonderland

whee... the more i spend time revising, the more i find myself trying to escape from reality. so far there are two things i like to do the most when i find myself want to wander to that dreamland. First thing, go for a run. I've started running regulary every day again now, it feels great. And ive discovered a new favourite route which takes me over vauxhall bridge and around st george's wharf area before making a complete loop to go back to the other side of the river. Second thing, go and watch some more series on the net and let the happy story line makes you have unrealistic view over life in general. I admit, its bad and time wasting.. but my revising is much more effective i study short period of time, like 2 hours then break 1 hour. and goes on like that, that sums up my activities nowadays. On the other hand, yesterday was irma's 22nd birthday :) ! it was a nice, cosy small celebration with only me, hazwan, and her. I will miss her if she leave next week :( :(

Now i know the term when people you love worry, you also worry for them. i really hope she's fine, she should be..please be ok. because even last night you make me worried. even worse, when you can do absolutely nothing.

Our first show and some thoughts of the future i guess

Pic of me and Loki in our first ever competition last weekend! it was in Trent Park, ran by Holly hill Riding Club. Nikki was giving me jump lessons on him twice last week, when she finally said why dont i take him to competitions. I was like, sure yay. So there we go, i was surprised to find how agile a jumper he is really. Considering he is always been not strong in canter, but he did enjoyed jumping a lot as i can tell. I entered him in the novice class with tiny jumps in it, nothing much big and too difficult. He loved it!! we jumped the whole course super perfectly, it was one of those rounds which can make you smile all the way. Perfect rhytm, perfect timing and distance for each and every single fence :) heavenly bliss. We were one as we jumped through the course. Perfect. The only remaining problem i have with him is NOT in the arena, but in the WARM UP..because he kept showing off and whinnying to other mares around. It was quite hellish, in the end i decided to warm up by ourselves in the outdoor arena due to the increasing worry that he might end up kicking one of the small kids on the ponies. It would have been alright if it was a sunny day, but that day was rainy and wet and windy. So well..yeah not very fun as i was freezing to death whilst warming him up. Overall, it was an enjoyable monday morning. I would honestly said i truly miss competing back home where i knew every single person and evey single horse competing.. here i only knew very few riders, but i did make a few new friends that day as well. They recognised Loki and we started talking about horses, so not bad at all.

What other things happened last week...oh yea after weeks of dread and hardwork and late nights, i finished and submitted my genetics reports and essays and stuff. I would say that this is the single most busiest course ive ever done in my 2 years in imperial so far. Now i know what other people said when they say they have LOTS of courswork to do. Went to see Artati's art exhibition too in her school, plus well..nothing much except staying home and revise. I really want to go home now since everyone is going back soon! ah. 8 more weeks.. im sure time will fly and a summer here might also be my last. No idea what im gonna do next year. The mere thought of a final year makes me even more confused as what to do after this degree ends. Do master? seems like everyone is suggesting that..thats what my initial plan is but now ive been having second thoughts about it. Do phD? no way..im not that keen a student to do that much more amount of studying really. Work? err yeah sure.but in what. I've always prided myself of not wanting to be the same like other people, but lately there's a change in me who wanted to be the same like what other people did..graduate, find a job, get married and live peacefully. Always thought that i wanted to do fieldwork, not office work, but now i think maybe office work also not bad. I dont know, im being very indecisive nowadays. In my mind, i see my future as a big question mark. can i just fly and follow where the wind blows?

Happy and sunny day today :) made me feel happy!! took Loki out this morning, which was a total workout. Then went to watch Baim's capoeira performance at london bridge just now, followed with dinner. Feel pleasantly full and tired now. strange thing, even though my revision is barely existent for these 2 days...but i feel accomplished and totally calm. i know my limits better now, so as when to ease off and when to push myself really hard. so i feel calmer. going to update more as lots of interesting things happened last week : mainly me and Loki's competition!! got pics and vids, will update soon as im so sleepy now.